thedevastator

just sitting at home, alone, doing a lot of thinking. i know i shouldn't, but i can't keep myself from thinking the things i shouldn't or being curious and looking at things i should just be ignoring. i can't help my curiosity, and it usually gets me in more trouble than anything else, haha. today was alright, just went to the doctor and had my Mirena put in. the doctor said, "oh your uterus is tilted a little, i'll have to use a clamp," which freaked the hell out of me, but it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. so that's done and done, Eve(L) has an appointment tomorrow, so hopefully everything's great with her. sometimes i think i see a little smile sneaking out every now and then when she looks at me, but it's hard to tell if it's her or just gas, hehe.

there are still times when i'm alone that i find myself crying, and no matter how many times i tell myself that it's useless to cry over spilled milk, i can't help it. it seems that everyone around me is moving forward and doing so well, and i look at myself and feel like i'm either just stagnant or like i'm falling further down the hole, but i just tell myself things are good, and can only get better. eventually things will start getting better, i just need something to patch this in-between time. after all, things really are alright. the kids are good, pj's good, bills are paid while i continue looking for another job. maybe other people look at me and make fun of me because i write and vent and search for a pity party, but it's not a fucking pity party, it's just me getting things out so i don't really eventually snap. maybe other people can poke fun and think i'm just whining, but who cares. they aren't me, and they aren't in my head, and yay for them, they're happy. perhaps they can't see why i can't just be happy and move on, but i guess it's like i told PJ, just for once, JUST ONE DAY, i would like to be happy. i mean, fully content and happy with where i am and where i'm going.

oh well, i'm working on that. self-therapy i guess. i talked to PJ about it, but he says he doesn't want drugs just making me feel happy. i don't know. i'm trying to work on myself and get better without medication. i think when my kids are a little older, it will be better. i will be so occupied with their lives, i won't be able to focus on mine, so i'm just waiting.

man, i really am rambling. haha, i know not very many people really read this thing, so oh well. just a nice way to get this stream of thoughts out in one, understandable thing that i can look at and read back to myself.

and maybe there are some people out there who think of me from time to time, but oh well, they've turned their backs on me and were never there for me anyways, so just quit thinking of me, because all these people never made an effort to help me through tough times or stick through certain things without just dropping me like i was spit on the fucking wall. i don't need your pity, your sympathy, your prayers, your thoughts or your worries. things like that don't matter unless someone can really be there for me when i need them. so oh well. i'm not judging people, i guess we just all do weird things, after all, we're human. but i'm not going to sit around waiting for people to come around. i'm fed up with being the one to always say "what's wrong" or feeling like i've done something wrong or apologizing when i shouldn't be, or even just feeling like i'm always giving in instead of putting up a fight and being a bitch.

but i guess i should be like bamboo and bend with the wind, eh?

fuck, seems there's no other way to survive than make all you fuckers out there happy and complacent so you'll quit messing with my head and making me feel like shit. or just whining and complaining to where i have to bend anyways.

ah, all you bastards out there. so demanding, haha.

well, i'm going to go get started on dinner soon. making a stuffing chicken -n- veggie bake. mmmmmmmmm. hope it turns out good.