Women's English
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
Job Application
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Famous People and Chickens
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: for the greater good. Karl Marx: It was historical inevitability. Douglass Adams: 42 Oliver North: National security was at stake. Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees Earnest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain. Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it. Ronald Regan: I forget. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it f-----g wanted to. That's the f----g reason. Mark Twain: The news of it's crossing has been greatly exagerated. Mr T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
You Know You're Addicted to the Net When
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile :-)
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self as 'Jon@internet.com'
(1) one week down and (17) seventeen to go. This past week went by pretty fast and it feels pretty good. We learned some fun stuff this week like; the history of law enforcement; A little bit of Constitutive Law; and the fun stuff Defensive Tactics. For defrnsive tactics, we learned strikes and palm strikes. Proper elbow placement when we use them. Knee and leg strikes. At the end, we had to put it all to use and go through a thing called "(2) two minutes of hell". Such fun.
Henshin a go-go baby!
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
Job Application
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Famous People and Chickens
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: for the greater good. Karl Marx: It was historical inevitability. Douglass Adams: 42 Oliver North: National security was at stake. Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees Earnest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain. Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it. Ronald Regan: I forget. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it f-----g wanted to. That's the f----g reason. Mark Twain: The news of it's crossing has been greatly exagerated. Mr T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
You Know You're Addicted to the Net When
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile :-)
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self as 'Jon@internet.com'
(1) one week down and (17) seventeen to go. This past week went by pretty fast and it feels pretty good. We learned some fun stuff this week like; the history of law enforcement; A little bit of Constitutive Law; and the fun stuff Defensive Tactics. For defrnsive tactics, we learned strikes and palm strikes. Proper elbow placement when we use them. Knee and leg strikes. At the end, we had to put it all to use and go through a thing called "(2) two minutes of hell". Such fun.
Henshin a go-go baby!
VIEW 25 of 35 COMMENTS
noctem:
Hey, drop me an email if you get a chance...
_stella_:
thanks...im sorry too but hey it'll all work out in the end right? hopefully....