Sex Advice
Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!
Five Pound Fly
How do you get five pounds of meat out of a fly?
Unzip It!
10 Ways To Tell You're From New Hampshire
10) You married your cousin's brother's wife
9) Your only belief is Live Free or Die.
8) You think Massachusetts should be Taxachusetts (when you are actually paying more).
7) You walk around with cow dung on your shoe.
6) You're depressed because Massachusetts laughs constantly at your state.
5) Your music involves knee slapping, spoon smacking and banjo playing.
4) You travel all the way to Connecticut to gamble.
3) Your barn is bigger than your house
2) You walk around with a Dumb IQ card (you actually do).
1) You can't drive on the highways, rotaries, four-way stops, rotaries or anything more complex than a dirt road.
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as ''getting wasted.''
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ''What's for dinner?''
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.
14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."
17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
20) You think a ''half-day'' means leaving at 5 o'clock.
21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Husband, Wife & Mule
'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule. They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone. The husband says, That's one!
They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again and the husband says, That's two!
Then the mule trips over a stone again. The husband says, That's three, and shoots the donkey!
The wife gets so mad and start's cursing at the husband and saying, That was are only donkey! You were an idiot to shoot it!
The husband says to his wife, that's ONE!
I am a little peeved still at the fact that I could not get missdates to go along with my April Fool's gag. Honestly, how many of you would have believed it if we had put it down that her and I broke up? Show of hands please.
She won't let me pull anymore jokes on her because I pulled one on her that mad her cry. It was April Fool's, about four years ago, and and bunch of guys and I had returned from a detail in Texas with the prison I worked for. I was a member of a special response team that was dispersed through out the country whenever a C.C.A. prison had a riot and it turned out to big for their own team, and needed help.
Anywho, a few of us went to a strip club in the city that we were staying in, the name of the city escapes me, and a couple of the guys went to the "back room" and I guess had a lap dance and they came out and bragged about the girls giving them release after the dances. Three of us, including myself, played pool all night and watched the reat of the guys have fun.
When I returned back from Texas, it was a couple of weeks later, April Fool's day rolled around and I was anxious to pull a prank on missdates. She was asleep when I told her I had something to tell her. I asked her if she remembered the time I told her about the two guys that were cheating on the wives with the strippers when I was in Texas. Well, I told her that I was one of the guys that went into the back and "got off" by the stripper.
By this time she is running around the house, screaming, telling me that I was fucked up. I continued the story with that the stripper that I messed with gave me her phone number and I went to her house one night and spent the night and she has been calling me since. My wife was about to leave, she was filling a bag of clothes, getting ready to leave, when I stood in the hallway, smiling and laughing. She screams at me "What is so fucking funny?"
I looked at her, smiling and said "April Fool's day"
Needless to say, I had the quietest two days that followed, she did not talk to me. I still think about that and chuckle.
I so love you Val, you are not a fun killer.
Henshin a-go-go baby!
Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!
Five Pound Fly
How do you get five pounds of meat out of a fly?
Unzip It!
10 Ways To Tell You're From New Hampshire
10) You married your cousin's brother's wife
9) Your only belief is Live Free or Die.
8) You think Massachusetts should be Taxachusetts (when you are actually paying more).
7) You walk around with cow dung on your shoe.
6) You're depressed because Massachusetts laughs constantly at your state.
5) Your music involves knee slapping, spoon smacking and banjo playing.
4) You travel all the way to Connecticut to gamble.
3) Your barn is bigger than your house
2) You walk around with a Dumb IQ card (you actually do).
1) You can't drive on the highways, rotaries, four-way stops, rotaries or anything more complex than a dirt road.
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as ''getting wasted.''
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ''What's for dinner?''
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.
14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."
17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
20) You think a ''half-day'' means leaving at 5 o'clock.
21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Husband, Wife & Mule
'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule. They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone. The husband says, That's one!
They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again and the husband says, That's two!
Then the mule trips over a stone again. The husband says, That's three, and shoots the donkey!
The wife gets so mad and start's cursing at the husband and saying, That was are only donkey! You were an idiot to shoot it!
The husband says to his wife, that's ONE!
I am a little peeved still at the fact that I could not get missdates to go along with my April Fool's gag. Honestly, how many of you would have believed it if we had put it down that her and I broke up? Show of hands please.
She won't let me pull anymore jokes on her because I pulled one on her that mad her cry. It was April Fool's, about four years ago, and and bunch of guys and I had returned from a detail in Texas with the prison I worked for. I was a member of a special response team that was dispersed through out the country whenever a C.C.A. prison had a riot and it turned out to big for their own team, and needed help.
Anywho, a few of us went to a strip club in the city that we were staying in, the name of the city escapes me, and a couple of the guys went to the "back room" and I guess had a lap dance and they came out and bragged about the girls giving them release after the dances. Three of us, including myself, played pool all night and watched the reat of the guys have fun.
When I returned back from Texas, it was a couple of weeks later, April Fool's day rolled around and I was anxious to pull a prank on missdates. She was asleep when I told her I had something to tell her. I asked her if she remembered the time I told her about the two guys that were cheating on the wives with the strippers when I was in Texas. Well, I told her that I was one of the guys that went into the back and "got off" by the stripper.
By this time she is running around the house, screaming, telling me that I was fucked up. I continued the story with that the stripper that I messed with gave me her phone number and I went to her house one night and spent the night and she has been calling me since. My wife was about to leave, she was filling a bag of clothes, getting ready to leave, when I stood in the hallway, smiling and laughing. She screams at me "What is so fucking funny?"
I looked at her, smiling and said "April Fool's day"
Needless to say, I had the quietest two days that followed, she did not talk to me. I still think about that and chuckle.
I so love you Val, you are not a fun killer.
Henshin a-go-go baby!
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
That is a fucked up ass April Fools Day Joke. Funny, but definitely fucked up. I like it.
Smooches
Michelle xx