Telemarketer Repellant
1) If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2) Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3) If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
4) If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
5) If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
6) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
7) Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
8) Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
10) Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
11) When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.
Ways to Annoy Everybody
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
Yesterday I had to work a twelve hour day, from nine in the morning to nine at night. But thank goodness for small favors. Pretty soon I am going to be the permenent booking officer, that means I would work the intake area five out of five days a week. Booking is not that bad, it can be either the deadest area or the busiest area of the facility, and last night was a night to learn from.
Well I was not working booking, I was working in another area of the facility and when officer had called everybody on the facility for assistance, well hell, I rushed up to the intake area thinking that the booking we just had was being belligerent and hostile towards my fellow officer. Well as I ready myself for a fight, I see the intake lying on his back in one of the shower stalls and come to find out that he tried to hang himself. So my Lt. told me that he would need me to go with the inmate to the major hospital in Phoenix and I told him I would but I had been on shift for twelve hours and we have a strict rule that officers are not to work over twelve hours in a single shift. So as I left, everyone else was finishing their paperwork, I left.
Live and learn, no?
Henshin a-go-go baby.
1) If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2) Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3) If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
4) If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
5) If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
6) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
7) Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
8) Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
10) Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
11) When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.
Ways to Annoy Everybody
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
Yesterday I had to work a twelve hour day, from nine in the morning to nine at night. But thank goodness for small favors. Pretty soon I am going to be the permenent booking officer, that means I would work the intake area five out of five days a week. Booking is not that bad, it can be either the deadest area or the busiest area of the facility, and last night was a night to learn from.
Well I was not working booking, I was working in another area of the facility and when officer had called everybody on the facility for assistance, well hell, I rushed up to the intake area thinking that the booking we just had was being belligerent and hostile towards my fellow officer. Well as I ready myself for a fight, I see the intake lying on his back in one of the shower stalls and come to find out that he tried to hang himself. So my Lt. told me that he would need me to go with the inmate to the major hospital in Phoenix and I told him I would but I had been on shift for twelve hours and we have a strict rule that officers are not to work over twelve hours in a single shift. So as I left, everyone else was finishing their paperwork, I left.
Live and learn, no?
Henshin a-go-go baby.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
supergp:
*SLAP* Hey Susan, we've got Jennifer Garner in leather over here in a few weeks.
sare:
i work in a call centre.thank god i only have to deal with incoming calls. i couldnt EVER call ppl. i hate telemarketers.bah!