George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
A blonde Paintjob
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Two men
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."
About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Rejected Titles for the movie Brokeback Mountain:
- "PRANCES WITH WOLVES"
- "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON"
- "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID"
- "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE"
- "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG"
- "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER"
- "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID"
- "LONESOME DOUG"
- "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN"
- "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER"
- "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!"
- "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES"
- "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER"
- "BAREBACK MOUNTING"
- "BONE-NANZA"
- "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS"
- "HOME ON THE RANGER"
- "OKLAHOMO"
- "ROOSTER COCKBURN"
- "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"
- "BALONEY PONY RODEO"
- "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS"
- "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!"
Well I found out some good news this morning, missdates and I are expecting another baby. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that she is pregnant, but I kind of wanted to wait until the twins were a little bit older.
Oh well.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
A blonde Paintjob
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Two men
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."
About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Rejected Titles for the movie Brokeback Mountain:
- "PRANCES WITH WOLVES"
- "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON"
- "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID"
- "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE"
- "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG"
- "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER"
- "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID"
- "LONESOME DOUG"
- "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN"
- "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER"
- "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!"
- "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES"
- "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER"
- "BAREBACK MOUNTING"
- "BONE-NANZA"
- "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS"
- "HOME ON THE RANGER"
- "OKLAHOMO"
- "ROOSTER COCKBURN"
- "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"
- "BALONEY PONY RODEO"
- "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS"
- "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!"
Well I found out some good news this morning, missdates and I are expecting another baby. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that she is pregnant, but I kind of wanted to wait until the twins were a little bit older.
Oh well.
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