thedarkness

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Old Guy

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go". They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks". Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"


Birthday Present

A farmer sent his 18 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.
"See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said.
In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..."
"Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 18 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck."
"Sure," said the boy.
When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.
When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"


Sinned

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."


Things You Should Know

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Oye!

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.



Maybe I should not open my mouth. This upcoming week, the P.T. (physical training) instructor told us that he is going to make a list of the people that are going to "graduate" to the next phase in the running that we have been doing. We go from a 2.2 mile over a semi flat surface to a 2.7 that emcompasses flat surface and a course that extends through the base of a mountain that is near the college. Well I need to lose the weight that I have gained over, so what ever does not kill me, only makes me stronger.

We also get to have some fun this week. This week we get to actually play with our sidearms. For a couple of days, we are going to be in the classroom, learning how to handle the sidearm. After that, the weeks that follow, we get to go to the range and shoot a few hundred rounds or so. I am so looing foward to this.

Next week is missdates birthday and I am stil having trouble in finding something for her. Any suggestions?


Henshin a-go-go baby!