thedarkness

A series of things said in court:



Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke...
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't
know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel
with the following note:





Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover
your bald...
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of...
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of...
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Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled
over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on
the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the
window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head
with the stick.


The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"


The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you...
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This just in from Texas....



A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him!

Nothing in the world...
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What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons...
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The...
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THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a...
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Different degrees of blondeness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast...
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