thedarkharlequin

I've been on the edge of panic lately.

Like, not bad, but back and forth, really rather close none the less.

Why, you might ask?

Death.

Some how recently my own mortality has become a constant and persistent thought in my head. Always near the surface, waiting for little to no provocation.

I've come to realize, I am terrified of death.
I was sitting in my chair the other day, and in a very poor state of mind that day. Had been for a few days actually, but I suddenly felt my extremities growing very cold. Like my life was withdrawing into my core, and I felt compressed, and trapped in my center. I thought to myself, "This is what it will feel like when I die."
panicked and trapped, with no one else around. Filled with regret for a pointless life, and filled with fear of the unknown to follow. I know no god. Faith sounds like a fools errand, but also like a fools anchor. The weight that keeps the sane able to face the next day. I don't want to die with this empty life to be what's left behind, but all endeavors seem so trivial when you think that it will all end with death.

I've thought of death before, who doesn't, and yet for some reason it is so much more of a palpable thought to me now.

I was considering the "what ifs" of my death at some point in the last few days.
One of the interesting thoughts was, "What if I shot myself"
Obviously, I'd go splat, but after that.
The questions go, am I just some concoction of parts, mucus, and electronic signals. As soon as the brain goes splat, or looses the rest of the support system, I no longer exist.
OR, do I have a soul, and will continue on.
Next up, if I continue on, will I be trapped what's left of the body? Aware of my parts but unable to inflict movement.
That was the main focus of the thought. What will it feel like to have a wet gaping hole in my head, quickly cooling as the rest of my body dies.

Slit wrists seems like it would feel a lot like my "cooling extremities" feeling, with a severe pain in the heart as it strained to pump fluid through an unpressurized system.

My mother died a few years back, but she didn't go well. She suffered from epilepsy, and when all the pills took effect she suffered from a series of seizures and went into a coma. When she "woke up" she was never her self again. Unable to communicate, she was able to walk at one point, but that eventually went away. Eventually she literally folded in on herself and quit. That, terrifies me.

I tried mushrooms for the first time at the end of last year. It was something I was always very interested in trying. At one point in the trip, things went bad. I couldn't find anyone, I don't know if they were in the house or not, I couldn't find them. I just caught glimpses of people around corners. I became trapped in my friends house, from the hallways to the kitchen, this was the extent of my world. As I walked back and forth, I had the feeling of my extremities being frozen, and my hands and everything I touched felt wet. This inspired the thought that, what I was seeing, was not necessarily reality. I might not be in the house, my body might be drowning, in an ambulance, lost in a forest somewhere. I just kept telling myself, "I'll probably be okay" in quite possibly the least sure voice I have ever had in my life. And it felt like I was in that hallway for eternity. I later described it as a series of little infinities. Which is of course a very poetic, and completely meaningless statement. But the emotion behind it describes the event very well.
Once I came out of the heavy trip, the after glow was filled with shock after shock of revelations and deep thoughts. But one of the main things I walked away with was this, if we really are just bio-mechanical computers, all it took was eating something, and my ability to perceive the world was changed completely. It took away something I had always taken for granted with out even knowing enough to think to question it. Reality isn't set in stone. How I interact with the world is very precarious.

I once loved a girl who had some serious health problems. Severe migraines with visual hallucination's. While I tried to be helpful and understanding, I had absolutely no ground to truly empathize with her. She has lived nearly her entire life with the perspective of, what she sees of the world, may not be what the world is. Something I had to live most of my life and risk self injury to come to understand. On that night my respect for her increase greatly.


Thinking back to my mother, to attempt to think what may have going on in her head, the seizures were going on is horrific to me. The thought that she was still in there. Possibly dreaming, possibly living in a series of infinities, lost, in pain, etc... and then to wake up broken and trapped. I think I would have folded in and given up too.


Beyond the fear of death, my panic has also been focused on the thought of severe debilitating injury. Losing an arm, severe burns, or facial trauma.
As well as the horrific thought of severe head trauma or brain damage. Once again, altering the functionality of my brain, and the way it works. Leaving me, dumb, retarded, or trapped in my own body. Or possibly worse, trapped in my own mind, in dreams or hallucinations never ending. Like walking up and down a hallways in someones house, unable to find anyone else.

Somehow, all I want right now is to lay down with the girl I love, and have her hold me, and tell me she's here right now, and to not worry about what could be.

problem is, I don't have anyone.

All I have is a room filled with memories and distractions. A life I'm not proud of, and a future I can't see the point of pursuing.