thedarkharlequin

Just finished reading "Crooked Little Vein" by Warren Ellis. amazing, wonderful book. Thank you _Jordan_ for exposing me to Ellis.

Laundry's done, in a great mood, AND YET.....
I'm in a horribly vile mood, I want my body to encompass and contain all the worlds vile corruption and evil, only to be able to vomit it out upon the world in controlled streams of flesh dissolving acid. I feel inspired to douse my former friends from years past and watch the panicked look in their eyes as their exposed facial muscles twitch and writhe.

Someone once took tried to get a sum of my personality, when they didn't know me particularly well and described me as, "formerly being a mean person, but trying to be good."

I haven't had the heart or opportunity to tell her that she got it completely backwards.

I was always a nice person, hoping and expecting the best out of people. Believed people were inherently good, and inside women where beautiful flowers, and one day I'd find love, and be happy.

and as I got older, and got more hurt, and walked over, and taken advantage of, I got bitter, and resentful, and just basicly sad. What I truely have been is a nice person trying desperately to be mean, to have a shield, a thorny buffer to keep from getting hurt.(Regardless of the fact that that I hurt my self worse than anyone ever could) Unfortunetly I'm not a mean person, and this is really about the worst I can do. Wear some offensive t-shirts, provoke and belittle when I get the chance, and fantasize about violence and validation.

I'm not a bad person, I'm just disillusioned.

I have no idea what brought this on, yay emotions, ride that chemical brain wave, maybe one day I'll see the shores of sanity.