So I've been on a mini Vacation- so to speak- My boss is in Costa Rica and I've been house sittin. I get to hang out with the 2 cutest Jack Russels there ever were (with the exception of pookah doo) I love hanging out there. It's right on the water and when the sun comes up it faces the french doors to all the bedrooms, so i've woken up naturally each day (instead of listening to the annonying alarm clock on my cell phone!)
Right now I'm home for a little bit to do some shit around my apartment- mainly just dump shit out that i no longer need, i'm on this plan to simplify my life- i'm slowly trying to get past some serious drama that happened to me a few weeks back.
It's almost comical how i try to trick myself into thinking that if I don't pay attention to something that hurts me then it won't hurt. Almost as if I don't deal with a problem it will hurt less and less. And because I'm so hard on myself i try not to let myself grieve. And so I did something really dumb Monday night- i mixed zanis and alcohol. I think i just wanted to rest my head...dumb of me- but i couldn't- it was as if i was rolling or something, felt like a k trip almost- i was shaking freezing (partly cuz it was chilly out) and coming in and out of being awake, my eyes shuddered every time i closed them and it felt like i wasn't going to be able to snap out of it. I'm glad i came out ok and had it not been for a good friend of mine who was nearby i probably wouldn't even be writing this. He has seen me fucked up before (been there beside me when i was doing it) but even he said he had never seen me like this. So no more pills and alcohol. Once I was proper enough to have a conversation we had a heart felt one. He helped me realize a lot of things. We talked about the people we are, the people we have become, and the things in life that have affected us to the point of wanting to get fucked up to forget it all. We both know it's not the way shit needs to get dealt with (damn i'm sounding like an after-school special!)
He's known me since i was 17 and we joke that we are too much alike- I felt a million times better after just talking shit out and I still do. I even feel better writing this cuz I've been beating myself up for a couple of days (whenever i let a free thought pass by) tonight I'm going to be a good girl- run & swim laps- just Mellow, just me, and me, and me, and me!!!
Right now I'm home for a little bit to do some shit around my apartment- mainly just dump shit out that i no longer need, i'm on this plan to simplify my life- i'm slowly trying to get past some serious drama that happened to me a few weeks back.
It's almost comical how i try to trick myself into thinking that if I don't pay attention to something that hurts me then it won't hurt. Almost as if I don't deal with a problem it will hurt less and less. And because I'm so hard on myself i try not to let myself grieve. And so I did something really dumb Monday night- i mixed zanis and alcohol. I think i just wanted to rest my head...dumb of me- but i couldn't- it was as if i was rolling or something, felt like a k trip almost- i was shaking freezing (partly cuz it was chilly out) and coming in and out of being awake, my eyes shuddered every time i closed them and it felt like i wasn't going to be able to snap out of it. I'm glad i came out ok and had it not been for a good friend of mine who was nearby i probably wouldn't even be writing this. He has seen me fucked up before (been there beside me when i was doing it) but even he said he had never seen me like this. So no more pills and alcohol. Once I was proper enough to have a conversation we had a heart felt one. He helped me realize a lot of things. We talked about the people we are, the people we have become, and the things in life that have affected us to the point of wanting to get fucked up to forget it all. We both know it's not the way shit needs to get dealt with (damn i'm sounding like an after-school special!)
He's known me since i was 17 and we joke that we are too much alike- I felt a million times better after just talking shit out and I still do. I even feel better writing this cuz I've been beating myself up for a couple of days (whenever i let a free thought pass by) tonight I'm going to be a good girl- run & swim laps- just Mellow, just me, and me, and me, and me!!!