Those of you who know me especially well in real life will know that this next section is very similar to something somebody we know has posted on Facebook in his blogs. These include nonsense like "cool person of the week" and baffling comments about how womankind is just plain evil. I might make this some kind of regular thing, perhaps as a footnote on my regular entries. Basically theyre me imposing my will upon people who don't know i exist.
Thou Shalt Not Wear Backpacks At Gigs
Look at you, with your massive backpack hanging unfeasibly low from your shoulders as though it were weighed down by GDP of Estonia in the form of solid gold. You don't need that fucking thing, you just think it makes you look cool. You're at a gig watching (Insert band here) so I can fairly safely assume you like that band, and probably some others that are similar. Using your bag as a canvas for badges and patches so I can see what bands you like is just unecessary.
I get that you might have travelled a long distance to see this band. Who knows, maybe you've made some hellish journey from Inverness to London especially to see them. Did you come by train? I'd assume that if you did you have somewhere to stay for the night, because you'll struggle to get back otherwise. If this is the case, leave the backpack in your fucking hotel. Driven to the gig? Leave it in the boot of your fucking car.
The absolute worst case scenario in terms of awkwardness is where you have a sizeable journey without an overnight stay. I get that in those situations you might want to pack a hoodie, or a book, or your DS, or your iPod, or some snacks for the journey. If that's the case JUST LEAVE IT IN THE FUCKING CLOAKROOM. All but the world'd most backwards music venues will have a cloakroom nowadays, where you pay something piffling like 1 and somebody will sit and guard your meagre possessions. The most annoying response I've seen to this was that "The cloakroom attendants go through your bags" Of course they don't, you fucking cretin. I'm sure you think the rare 7" single you bizarrely carry around for no reason at all is an irresistable target to potential thieves, and God forbid they go rifling through the irreplacable song lyrics you penned during your morning commute to college. I can't imagine having to go through life carrying all of my possesions upon my person lest somebody loot me and leave me for dead. The world has turned into Mad Max and I've not even noticed.
Step 1: Function over fashion. Do I really need that stupid bag?
Step 2: Can I leave that stupid bag somewhere safe rather than burdening myself with it all night?
Step 3: Can I feign surprise when somebody takes exception to being smacked in the face by my stupid bag while trying to enjoy a band and then get outraged when they call me a cunt?
Perhaps I've missed something here, so please tell me if I have. Perhaps there is some scenario that absolutely necessitates a backpack whilst stood in the crowd and I'd love to hear it. Until then, I'll just go on assuming my logic is sound and that these people just need to grow up, bitter as that might seem.
Thou Shalt Not Wear Backpacks At Gigs
Look at you, with your massive backpack hanging unfeasibly low from your shoulders as though it were weighed down by GDP of Estonia in the form of solid gold. You don't need that fucking thing, you just think it makes you look cool. You're at a gig watching (Insert band here) so I can fairly safely assume you like that band, and probably some others that are similar. Using your bag as a canvas for badges and patches so I can see what bands you like is just unecessary.
I get that you might have travelled a long distance to see this band. Who knows, maybe you've made some hellish journey from Inverness to London especially to see them. Did you come by train? I'd assume that if you did you have somewhere to stay for the night, because you'll struggle to get back otherwise. If this is the case, leave the backpack in your fucking hotel. Driven to the gig? Leave it in the boot of your fucking car.
The absolute worst case scenario in terms of awkwardness is where you have a sizeable journey without an overnight stay. I get that in those situations you might want to pack a hoodie, or a book, or your DS, or your iPod, or some snacks for the journey. If that's the case JUST LEAVE IT IN THE FUCKING CLOAKROOM. All but the world'd most backwards music venues will have a cloakroom nowadays, where you pay something piffling like 1 and somebody will sit and guard your meagre possessions. The most annoying response I've seen to this was that "The cloakroom attendants go through your bags" Of course they don't, you fucking cretin. I'm sure you think the rare 7" single you bizarrely carry around for no reason at all is an irresistable target to potential thieves, and God forbid they go rifling through the irreplacable song lyrics you penned during your morning commute to college. I can't imagine having to go through life carrying all of my possesions upon my person lest somebody loot me and leave me for dead. The world has turned into Mad Max and I've not even noticed.
Step 1: Function over fashion. Do I really need that stupid bag?
Step 2: Can I leave that stupid bag somewhere safe rather than burdening myself with it all night?
Step 3: Can I feign surprise when somebody takes exception to being smacked in the face by my stupid bag while trying to enjoy a band and then get outraged when they call me a cunt?
Perhaps I've missed something here, so please tell me if I have. Perhaps there is some scenario that absolutely necessitates a backpack whilst stood in the crowd and I'd love to hear it. Until then, I'll just go on assuming my logic is sound and that these people just need to grow up, bitter as that might seem.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
First they have to open the bloody thing which will undoubtedly have a dodgy zip which keeps getting caught, then they have to pull out the massive over-sized hoodie with a band name printed on the front that no one recognises, then they have to go through the shrapnel of keys, deoderant, cash, pens, scraps of paper, tangled headphone cables and anything else which lurks at the bottom of the bag, then they have to confiscate the half full bottle of water tucked in the side pocket as they want the scummy bag carrier to only drink liquids that they've purchased at the venue, then... THEN they let everyone else in.
Make the twat stand at the side and wait, instead of making the rest of us wait outside in the pissing rain!