a weird dilemma. i am more comfortable with myself and sure of who i am then ever before, yet i've never had a harder time getting close to people. without going into lots of detail, i've always been a loner. oh the chemicals in my brain have never been balanced. i've never let people get very close to me. there's always only been a few people who do. and it's always been important to me to have these few close people. it's not like i choose to have such a hard time letting people get close to me. but lately it's like part of me doesn't want anyone close to me. i enjoy this half-ass solitude i have. there are people around me i can reach out to when i want to but who i don't need regular contact with. i know, i'm kind of an asshole lately. i know there's more people with the same feelings as me, it's just hard to meet as we're all so hard to get to know haha. i mean i'm happy. i just feel like i haven't been, and really can't be, there for some people who need contact more or to be closer. i can't explain it. to force myself to be more out there, to force more contact and closeness, would not be being true to myself. maybe this is just a phase? maybe it's just know that i'm finally settling in to this lifestyle i've built for myself, this lifestyle i truly enjoy, i need to reassess and re-evaluate the people in my life. i'm writing this here because this doesn't apply to people here. this is more about the people in worcester, the people who have been around before this shift if my persona started. just random thoughts, writing helps me process.
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does that mean you have to be up in their grill 24/7, no. but it does mean that there is a standard of manners among people, a compromise that i really do think is expected.
if you go outside of that because you have your own stuff going on, then you do. doesn't make anyone a bad person, just is who you are. it can come off as offensive to someone that just gives all the time, and never gets in return.
im only spoilering this for length
i dont know if you even care to hear anyone elses opinion on this matter.
im sure you just wrote this to get it out there for you but the first thought this brought to my mind was that precedence shows us that people who reprieve themselves from the socialization are ostracized for it.
anyways i pose this question to you in a very rhetorical sense.
do you honestly believe that you are not held to the same social confines as the rest of humanity just because you have a personal preference to be a loner?
From what i've encountered only knowing you for a relatively short period of time now, you have a love hate relationship with this reoccurring aspect of your life. You are totally entitled to be happy, if that's what makes you happy then congratulations. Just stop complaining when you get sick of being "happy". Furthermore, how can you justify labeling yourself in such a manner when time and time again you've dealt with so much frustration towards your circle of friends for not being around and for flaking out on you. It probably doesnt sound like a fair statement for me to make but it's like you live on a one way street.