I know that song is more about relationships and getting over them, but it keeps playing in my head as I reflect on the topic that has been bouncing around in there for a month or better. I keep going back to the idea of a wrong and right way of life, an unquestioning existence if you will.

I was in church a month ago and I found myself questioning some of the things being said, questions being part of my nature now but just 18 years ago I would have followed those words blindly. I had to think about that, think about whether I am better off now, or was I better off then. Yet another question, and one I am glad I am able to ask myself.

I can recall what I was like as an 18 year old, yet to be a lapsed Catholic, very naive about quite a few things, and I took things for what they were, well, for what “authority” said they were. I was a good kid, I messed up here and there, but I didn’t really do a lot that could be construed as bad or wrong, and a lot of that was because I didn’t question things that were said to be right or wrong. I lived in a very black and white world. The church says that is wrong and a sin, okay then I won’t do that. The law says that these things are not for me, that’s fine I can enjoy my life without them. I would hang out with someone, then someone that knew them might inform me that they were one way or the other and I would say okay, you obviously know, so let’s just go with that then.

I can look back now and realize that I missed out on some things by thinking like this, but at the same time I am glad of it all, because I really do like who I am now. Yes I have changed a lot, and I know that I always would have, but there isn’t anything completely wrong with growing up with the moral compass being set like that. Yes my compass now spins rather freely, but it’s base was forged long ago, and I think that makes a difference.

I can look back and see that some situations maybe should have played out differently than they did, or would have been more fun if they had, but did they play out in the wrong way? I don’t think they did, because when I made those decisions then, I learned lessons that help me make decisions now. That’s how I want to always be, learning from decisions made, being better tomorrow than I was today.

I can remember a conversation I had back in grad school, when I still had some of these things kicking around in my head, it somehow got on the topic of abortion, and I made a fellow student cry. I didn’t know at the time I would do that, no, at the time I was a little drunk and was dead set on the idea that abortion was wrong and that I should go ahead and declare that from a bullheaded stance. Now I am completely pro choice, and I am this way because I decided to finally ask questions, I decided to actually think about what might happen to lead to that decision. Once I had actually thought about it, had asked questions, I realized that it was one of the harder decisions a woman can make, I realized it was no business at all of mine, I realized I should shut the fuck up, be glad they have access to safe places to have this procedure done. I realized that no one that had ever had one done or was thinking of having one done should ever have an uninformed man telling them they were wrong.

The idea of Blind Faith exists in this world, it fascinates and terrifies me. I am fascinated by it because at this point in my life I can’t see how a person can just take someone else’s word for something. I have gotten to the point where I look at a topic and if it is interesting to me, then I want to go and find out about it, I want to inform myself to see what I think about the whole thing. Blind Faith terrifies me because of what is done in the name of it all. Various religions have extremely hateful messages pouring forth into this world, messages that are continuously spread by those that do not question the words they continuously yell and recite. I am terrified because far too many people take the words of people in authority roles for honest truth, they see the role the person plays, they hear what they want to, and they don’t take into consideration the person that is actually filling the role at hand. Blind Faith causes so many people to rush into decisions that are hateful angry decisions, decisions that bring pain and suffering into this world.

It has been quite the journey for me in the last 18 years since I graduated high school. I have grown quite a bit, learned even more, and have firmly embraced being an asker of questions. Am I better for it? That’s something I have to ask myself as I keep moving forward, but I like to think so, at least on some level.

Does the happy idiot have a better life than those that ask questions?

Does the person that takes things as they are, as they are told, lead an easier life than those that question what they hear?

How much easier is it to move forward in a world that exists exactly as they think it does, that exists without having to look into anything or behind any curtains?

I have been thinking of these questions and others like them for a while now, and I don’t know if I will ever come to a clear decision on it all, but I think I like that about it all.

Maybe things were easier for me back then, but things make more sense to me now.