the_matt79

What the hell am I doing?

Something I have been asking myself a lot lately, often with more colorful language in the question, of course.

I ask myself this question in relation to love, life, the future, and really just about anything.

The more I ask myself these questions, the more I realize that I dont or wont always know what I am doing. At the same time I am making that realization, I see others asking the same kind of question, and because of that, I know that I am not the only one.

I am not the only one that wonders if they are doing the right thing, doing enough, doing what is needed to get where they are ultimately going, and that comforts me.

Isnt that what a lot of where worry comes from, thinking we are the only one that is going through this struggle?

We arent. You, me, them, us, none of us is the only one that is clueless or lost from time to time. I honestly dont think I will ever know exactly what the hell I am doing, and I am finding that I am okay with that.

Life is static, there is no set way to get from point A to point B, and no one can tell you what is right for you. The only way to get where you want to be, is to take the steps needed to get there.

I often dont know that I am taking the steps needed, and thats when I will sit and wonder what the hell I am doing. It is then that I will either decide that it feels right or it doesnt, and often that is all you need to know at that point in time.

Obviously life will have various levels of responsibilities that will factor in when we are deciding if something feels right, but I think that is the ultimate litmus test. We, as humans, know what we want, and our experiences along the way shape those wants and desires. Thats how we get to decide if the feeling is right, we can see ahead, and we know what lays behind us.

Ahead and behind, ahead and behind, thats always going to be what weighs on us as we wonder what the hell we are doing.

For me, I am lucky to have some patient people that listen to me when I talk, and they provide invaluable support and encouragement. That support and encouragement helps me see that I am making the progress I want to make, even if it is smaller than I think it should be, I see it is there. At the same time, this is how I can see that maybe I do know what the hell I am doing.

I am never going to know everything I need to know, and sometimes I wont be able to do everything I need to do, to accomplish the goals I have set for myself. There are going to be things that I want, but I wont always get them. I will encounter people that I think will be loves or friends, but they wont always be what I though they were going to be. I will be disappointed, and I will be heartbroken, but this too doesnt mean that I dont know what I am doing.

I will ask myself this question in times of confusion.

I will ask myself this question in times of turmoil.

I will ask myself this question in moments of clarity.

The answer will change, but more often than not, I never will know what the hell I am doing, but thats the beauty of life, and I sure do appreciate beauty!