The gut wrenching ability of realization
After lunch today I was walking through the roundhouse back to the material building that I work out of, and something dawned on me. At first I thought it was that I hate my job, but thats not totally true. I hate aspects of my job, but it mainly comes down to the fact that it allows me to do what I want to do comfortably. That comfort is what plays into my realization I am only 60% happy, at best.
This is something I hide from myself, an ability, I have learned in the last couple years, that I have. For the most part this ability works out for me as it allows me to keep on keeping on without too much of a struggle. The downside of it being that I never know when this ability will weaken and I will have knowledge thrust upon me. Awareness is good, but I like a little warning before I get it, but my mind plays dirty apparently.
So what do I do when I realizewell, I think, because thats something I always do. I try to figure out what the feeling is, what it means, and what I should do with it. I think about why I feel that way, and I see if I can make progress with it. Today I might have projected a bit onto this feeling as I had a weird funk over me for part of the day, but that funk may have been my minds warning to me and I just didnt listen. I sometimes only really listen to myself when talking out loud, something the world kinda looks down on, but it works dammit.
But today is was the realization that I am not what one would call happy, at least not fully, like I said 60% at most. I have many good things going for me in life, and I am truly grateful for them. I know the good in my life, and thats why I dont crumble when my truths are laid bare to myself. I am damn glad I dont crumble, work would have been awkward walking around with that upon me.
So, what is keeping me from the other 40% of happiness? Fear
Fear of putting myself out there too much, not having it reflected back, and being hurt in the process.
Fear of trying to obtain my dreams and failing in the action.
Fear of changing my surroundings to what I think I want and finding that I dont want that at all.
Fear of being my own biggest roadblock and never finding my way over or through it.
Fear of leaving a comfort zone and never finding comfort again.
Its a big world out there, and fear can make it seem so much smaller. Fear hobbles the runner, fear dries the ink of the writers pen, fear is an evil thing, but an always present one.
I know I have made progress in my life, and that I am closer to where I should be and where I want to be, but I cant help but feel that the progress is slower than it should be. I have to remind myself that in my life I have always done things in my own time, and this is just more of the same, but But there are always things that seem like I should work harder at, there are always things that I think I should put more effort into, but another day moves past me and I am here doing what I did yesterday.
Sowhat do I do?
There are changes I will make, ideas I will pursue, but I know that this is not something I magically fix overnight. I have to believe in myself, stand up for myself, and be strong in the face of fear, if I do not do that, then I cannot blame anything or anyone for the fear I am looking upon.
Its a bit rough around the edges as of yet, but I know theres something lovely there in the smooth parts.
Writing this is something I realized I had to do, because I had to address it, and I had to get it out there just in case someone else could relate.
This realization made the day feel heavier, but when I got home I was greeted by a dogthat will always lighten the load you carry on your shoulders, always.
After lunch today I was walking through the roundhouse back to the material building that I work out of, and something dawned on me. At first I thought it was that I hate my job, but thats not totally true. I hate aspects of my job, but it mainly comes down to the fact that it allows me to do what I want to do comfortably. That comfort is what plays into my realization I am only 60% happy, at best.
This is something I hide from myself, an ability, I have learned in the last couple years, that I have. For the most part this ability works out for me as it allows me to keep on keeping on without too much of a struggle. The downside of it being that I never know when this ability will weaken and I will have knowledge thrust upon me. Awareness is good, but I like a little warning before I get it, but my mind plays dirty apparently.
So what do I do when I realizewell, I think, because thats something I always do. I try to figure out what the feeling is, what it means, and what I should do with it. I think about why I feel that way, and I see if I can make progress with it. Today I might have projected a bit onto this feeling as I had a weird funk over me for part of the day, but that funk may have been my minds warning to me and I just didnt listen. I sometimes only really listen to myself when talking out loud, something the world kinda looks down on, but it works dammit.
But today is was the realization that I am not what one would call happy, at least not fully, like I said 60% at most. I have many good things going for me in life, and I am truly grateful for them. I know the good in my life, and thats why I dont crumble when my truths are laid bare to myself. I am damn glad I dont crumble, work would have been awkward walking around with that upon me.
So, what is keeping me from the other 40% of happiness? Fear
Fear of putting myself out there too much, not having it reflected back, and being hurt in the process.
Fear of trying to obtain my dreams and failing in the action.
Fear of changing my surroundings to what I think I want and finding that I dont want that at all.
Fear of being my own biggest roadblock and never finding my way over or through it.
Fear of leaving a comfort zone and never finding comfort again.
Its a big world out there, and fear can make it seem so much smaller. Fear hobbles the runner, fear dries the ink of the writers pen, fear is an evil thing, but an always present one.
I know I have made progress in my life, and that I am closer to where I should be and where I want to be, but I cant help but feel that the progress is slower than it should be. I have to remind myself that in my life I have always done things in my own time, and this is just more of the same, but But there are always things that seem like I should work harder at, there are always things that I think I should put more effort into, but another day moves past me and I am here doing what I did yesterday.
Sowhat do I do?
There are changes I will make, ideas I will pursue, but I know that this is not something I magically fix overnight. I have to believe in myself, stand up for myself, and be strong in the face of fear, if I do not do that, then I cannot blame anything or anyone for the fear I am looking upon.
Its a bit rough around the edges as of yet, but I know theres something lovely there in the smooth parts.
Writing this is something I realized I had to do, because I had to address it, and I had to get it out there just in case someone else could relate.
This realization made the day feel heavier, but when I got home I was greeted by a dogthat will always lighten the load you carry on your shoulders, always.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
That 40% can be yours, Matt my dear. You can let go of the fear! You got hit by a goddamn train. You are a super hero. It can happen for you. Seriously.
lovelove