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Life consists of sacrifices and choices to be made, I realize this and I live this. It's about to get introspective, you've been warned.
I live where I do because I had student loans and had to be in a situation that would allow me to deal with them so that I wouldn't be floundering in the near future, a near future that is now a few years further along then I had imagined. That's okay though, because my student loan debt has gone down about 3/4, I have a good sized savings account (although that will get cut by 2/3 because I am going to buy a pickup, adding back to my loan total but leaving plenty for emergency), I am happyish, and I am preparing for the future. The bad part is that I am comfortable, I am close to family but far from friends (my second family, one that helps me grow), and I don't know where I am going or how I will get there.
I have become, in all sense and purpose, a phone, a computer, a disembodied connection.
I blame my job for part of it, I only have ten vacation days a year and have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, but it isn't the whole story of why I am now only those things. No, I am those things because it is somehow easier to live in a slight misery than it is to seek out the methods of happiness. That sounds morose, but it is what is for the most part. It is easier to sit here in a kind of comfort and lament what I am missing then it is to go and transcend it. As I write this I am becoming all to aware of the things I hide from myself...I am good at this apparently.
There are people out there, hundreds and hundreds of miles away from me, that mean so much to me. People that I love, people that inspire me, people that I am myself with, people that shouldn't be far from me. Here I have my family which is fantastic, but I need to be further from my family making more of myself. I have outgrown Glendive Montana, but yet it is giving me the ability to have stability that I haven't really known before. Funny how debt can force you to find a means of stability in a way that you had never wanted to. When I was in high school my fear was that I would wind up working for the railroad and be stuck in Glendive, but after being away for 7 years and going to school and accruing debt you realize that it isn't the worst situation in the world. See, growing up a bit shows you that sometimes you have to make that sacrifice, so that is what I have done, I have grown up a bit....still read my comic books though.
So I face that fear five days a week, I walk to the roundhouse, I swipe my card, I go to my locker and put on my reflective vest, and then I sit in the lunchroom waiting for the foreman to come in and give us a briefing on the day. While I wait I usually sit there looking at twitter on my phone. Twitter is one of my connections to the world, through it I have friends in Canada, New Zealand, England and America, some I have never even met, but that I know I will one day. I have even become a Folk Hero in Vancouver according to those that I know there. The Whatsapp app on my phone allows me to text with those in foreign lands, i.e. Canada, and it's audio notes has even allowed me to hear their voices and share my own. (Apparently mine is good, news to me)
If my supervisor isn't hanging around, I will get on my phone once I get to my work station in the Material building. I am efficient with my job enough that I can cram all of it into a shorter period of time and still stay connected to those away from me. Tweeting, texting, checking facebook, and occasionally actually talking to people keeps me up to date on what is going on...unfortunately it also keeps me up to date on what is going on. Seeing everything that people are getting up too on the weekends can be slightly depressing, especially when nothing changes here. I don't go out often here because it is always the same thing, same people, same DJ (when they have them), and same sad situation. I feel for the people that are content to stay here their whole lives, and then feel bad about that because who am I to judge their decisions. I have been out and seen more, but that doesn't mean everyone should.
Yes I have fun when I run into a few people of interest in this town, but unfortunately there are seemingly only a few. I could possibly find more if I went looking, but working the afternoon shift cuts down on a lot of that simply because that is when things occur. I like the afternoon shift because I like to stay up a little late and I like to sleep in a bit too, so I make a sacrifice there as well.
I live for these connections of a technological nature because they let me in the lives of those I love, in a way I couldn't otherwise. I use my 10 days of vacation to see them when I can as well. Five days of it goes to WEfest each year, three days of concerts, four days of camping, and great people to drink and bullshit with. Take the five days between your weekends and you suddenly have nine days off, wonderful...but it goes so fast. The other thing is that those five days aren't until August, so I sit and do nothing until then. (This year is an exception) My other five days will see me going to North Dakota in November...that sounds like a title...dibs! I am going to be in one of my best friends weddings then, suiting up to borrow from Barney Stinson. I really look forward to that because I will get to see more of my loved ones, ones I did not see last trip, and ones I have seen in a year or more. Still, two months off though, but it has me working towards a goal of health and that is good.
Again, though, I am connected merely through the magic of airwaves and internet tubes. I see how it makes me a secondary player, at least it feels that way. It seems that I am easily pushed aside because I am just a piece of technology in their hand, when a real person awaits them. I do not blame them for this and never will, this is my life, my sacrifice. It hurts because I let it. It stings because I chose this. It alienates because I withdraw.
I shutdown when in a funk, or when aggravated by a situation. I have had help from those I care for in this regard, but a retreat mechanism resides within me from way back, so who knows if this will ever go away completely. When forced to communicate I do well, I figure things out, I get over and past things. Unfortunately when you're a phone or a computer or a disembodied connection, you don't get forced to do those things because people cannot always tell that you have withdrawn. Looking at one's face, in one's eyes, or hearing an inflection in voice, that is how you pick up on those things, but alas I am but a phone, a computer, a disembodied connection.
I know that the person on the other end feels highly about me, I will not stoop to thinking there is a vindictiveness on their part to make me feel the way I do...no that is all within my own brainpan. I have always been my own worst enemy, my own biggest stumbling block, but I trip forward not backward...that makes all the difference.
Sacrificing and choosing to be in this situation allows for a future, the phone, the computer, and the disembodied connection allow for me to stay in people's lives in some manner at least. That is what I shall keep a grip on, I do not feel it slipping, nor will I, that is not a sacrifice I will make.
No, I need merely open my eyes wider, keep my nose to the grindstone, my hearing unobstructed, and clear my head of cobwebs. Sacrifices and choices are made so that we can find what we are looking for and be prepared for it when we do. I may feel momentary loneliness from time to time, but I know is a storm followed by double rainbows and so I push forward...I may stumble, I may fight myself, but I go forward.
Life consists of sacrifices and choices to be made, I realize this and I live this. It's about to get introspective, you've been warned.
I live where I do because I had student loans and had to be in a situation that would allow me to deal with them so that I wouldn't be floundering in the near future, a near future that is now a few years further along then I had imagined. That's okay though, because my student loan debt has gone down about 3/4, I have a good sized savings account (although that will get cut by 2/3 because I am going to buy a pickup, adding back to my loan total but leaving plenty for emergency), I am happyish, and I am preparing for the future. The bad part is that I am comfortable, I am close to family but far from friends (my second family, one that helps me grow), and I don't know where I am going or how I will get there.
I have become, in all sense and purpose, a phone, a computer, a disembodied connection.
I blame my job for part of it, I only have ten vacation days a year and have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, but it isn't the whole story of why I am now only those things. No, I am those things because it is somehow easier to live in a slight misery than it is to seek out the methods of happiness. That sounds morose, but it is what is for the most part. It is easier to sit here in a kind of comfort and lament what I am missing then it is to go and transcend it. As I write this I am becoming all to aware of the things I hide from myself...I am good at this apparently.
There are people out there, hundreds and hundreds of miles away from me, that mean so much to me. People that I love, people that inspire me, people that I am myself with, people that shouldn't be far from me. Here I have my family which is fantastic, but I need to be further from my family making more of myself. I have outgrown Glendive Montana, but yet it is giving me the ability to have stability that I haven't really known before. Funny how debt can force you to find a means of stability in a way that you had never wanted to. When I was in high school my fear was that I would wind up working for the railroad and be stuck in Glendive, but after being away for 7 years and going to school and accruing debt you realize that it isn't the worst situation in the world. See, growing up a bit shows you that sometimes you have to make that sacrifice, so that is what I have done, I have grown up a bit....still read my comic books though.
So I face that fear five days a week, I walk to the roundhouse, I swipe my card, I go to my locker and put on my reflective vest, and then I sit in the lunchroom waiting for the foreman to come in and give us a briefing on the day. While I wait I usually sit there looking at twitter on my phone. Twitter is one of my connections to the world, through it I have friends in Canada, New Zealand, England and America, some I have never even met, but that I know I will one day. I have even become a Folk Hero in Vancouver according to those that I know there. The Whatsapp app on my phone allows me to text with those in foreign lands, i.e. Canada, and it's audio notes has even allowed me to hear their voices and share my own. (Apparently mine is good, news to me)
If my supervisor isn't hanging around, I will get on my phone once I get to my work station in the Material building. I am efficient with my job enough that I can cram all of it into a shorter period of time and still stay connected to those away from me. Tweeting, texting, checking facebook, and occasionally actually talking to people keeps me up to date on what is going on...unfortunately it also keeps me up to date on what is going on. Seeing everything that people are getting up too on the weekends can be slightly depressing, especially when nothing changes here. I don't go out often here because it is always the same thing, same people, same DJ (when they have them), and same sad situation. I feel for the people that are content to stay here their whole lives, and then feel bad about that because who am I to judge their decisions. I have been out and seen more, but that doesn't mean everyone should.
Yes I have fun when I run into a few people of interest in this town, but unfortunately there are seemingly only a few. I could possibly find more if I went looking, but working the afternoon shift cuts down on a lot of that simply because that is when things occur. I like the afternoon shift because I like to stay up a little late and I like to sleep in a bit too, so I make a sacrifice there as well.
I live for these connections of a technological nature because they let me in the lives of those I love, in a way I couldn't otherwise. I use my 10 days of vacation to see them when I can as well. Five days of it goes to WEfest each year, three days of concerts, four days of camping, and great people to drink and bullshit with. Take the five days between your weekends and you suddenly have nine days off, wonderful...but it goes so fast. The other thing is that those five days aren't until August, so I sit and do nothing until then. (This year is an exception) My other five days will see me going to North Dakota in November...that sounds like a title...dibs! I am going to be in one of my best friends weddings then, suiting up to borrow from Barney Stinson. I really look forward to that because I will get to see more of my loved ones, ones I did not see last trip, and ones I have seen in a year or more. Still, two months off though, but it has me working towards a goal of health and that is good.
Again, though, I am connected merely through the magic of airwaves and internet tubes. I see how it makes me a secondary player, at least it feels that way. It seems that I am easily pushed aside because I am just a piece of technology in their hand, when a real person awaits them. I do not blame them for this and never will, this is my life, my sacrifice. It hurts because I let it. It stings because I chose this. It alienates because I withdraw.
I shutdown when in a funk, or when aggravated by a situation. I have had help from those I care for in this regard, but a retreat mechanism resides within me from way back, so who knows if this will ever go away completely. When forced to communicate I do well, I figure things out, I get over and past things. Unfortunately when you're a phone or a computer or a disembodied connection, you don't get forced to do those things because people cannot always tell that you have withdrawn. Looking at one's face, in one's eyes, or hearing an inflection in voice, that is how you pick up on those things, but alas I am but a phone, a computer, a disembodied connection.
I know that the person on the other end feels highly about me, I will not stoop to thinking there is a vindictiveness on their part to make me feel the way I do...no that is all within my own brainpan. I have always been my own worst enemy, my own biggest stumbling block, but I trip forward not backward...that makes all the difference.
Sacrificing and choosing to be in this situation allows for a future, the phone, the computer, and the disembodied connection allow for me to stay in people's lives in some manner at least. That is what I shall keep a grip on, I do not feel it slipping, nor will I, that is not a sacrifice I will make.
No, I need merely open my eyes wider, keep my nose to the grindstone, my hearing unobstructed, and clear my head of cobwebs. Sacrifices and choices are made so that we can find what we are looking for and be prepared for it when we do. I may feel momentary loneliness from time to time, but I know is a storm followed by double rainbows and so I push forward...I may stumble, I may fight myself, but I go forward.
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That's going to change. How are you doing?