the_matt79

Breakthroughs in unexpected places

I was just commenting on the blog of someone I really respect and admire (ribbonsundone), and in the midst of it I came to a realization I did not expect to find.

I had been thinking about plans in life, plans of attack, plans for escape, plans in general, and how I often dont make them, or rather do not draw them out when I make them. At the same time I always keep in the back of my mind something I heard a few times from writers I admire. They said that you have to just throw yourself into a situation, if youre thinking whether you can or not then youre holding yourself back, throw yourself into it, sink or swim, you have to find out.

I would sit and wonder if I could do that, if I would be able to undergo a change like that, and as I commented I realized that I have done that in my life. I chose to go to the University of North Dakota for my undergrad without ever visiting the campus or the city it was in. It was a little cheaper than going to a school in state, it had the program I wanted, and one of my best friends at the time was going to be with his girlfriend, so I had a roommate and a school. I was accepted and I went and I loved it from day one. I had my bad days, but I had my great days more as the freedom sunk in and the opportunities showed up in front of me.

There was a bar there called Borrowed Bucks Roadhouse, and I liked their commercials, and when I would drive by I liked that it looked like an old garage, but I never went in until midnight of January 12th 2000, the minute I turned 21, it was a Tuesday so not much was going on, but it sunk in. My friend and I went periodically to where I knew one waitress enough to bs with. I started working there May 22nd, and made friends that are now a family. Had no idea what working in a bar would be like, just had to throw myself into it.

When I graduated I wasnt sure about grad school or not, but I knew I might not ever go if I didnt right then, so I looked into requirements. GRE, fine, what is it? A test like an amped up SAT, fine lets do it. The math part was hard as I hadnt taken a class in years, but I took it, I felt good, and I got the results I needed to get into grad school, well okay, slightly better than that, but I hate crowing about things like that, so thats the last we speak of it. I applied to the school that I had thought of going to when I ultimately chose UND, and upon acceptance I found that I would start grad school at the University of Montana that January. So now I had to move, folks came up and helped, I stayed a few weeks working at the bar with my family, promising to come back that summer after I had a semester under my belt.

When I came home and prepared for the move mom and I got on the computer and looked at where they decided I would be housed on campus. It was the oldest building on campus and I was leery of my roommate to bes name, sure hes a good guy wherever he is, but after living years in a solo room I wasnt to sure about that one. Mom had heard of a guy from Glendive that lived there and had a room for rent, so she called around to get that information. Just so happened the day we called he had put it up for rent, so we took it, sight unseen, ours. Upon arrival he seemed normal, house was clean and a short walk to campus, done and done.

Turns out he was a great roommate, and inevitably a friend. We co-habited well together, and grad school was easier for that. I loved my school and classes, and again made friends that I still like to check in on to this day. My roommate decided to sell the second house we lived in and move back to Glendive to try a business venture, and since all I was doing was drinking and carrying on, I decided to move as well. Everything I needed to do for college I could do from here at that point so it was easy to deal with.

My loans came do and I needed a job, railroad was hiring so I applied. I have been there for a few years now, and my loans are down about 3/4 of the way from when I started (thanks leg injury settlement) and I have a good investment package set up for my future as well (again thanks leg injury settlement). I have turned in a final draft of my thesis and will defend that soon enough to put an M and an A behind my name.

See, I often do throw myself into a situation I know nothing about, but I always blinded myself to them a little by having a semblance of a plan, or thinking of what it could do for my future. As I sit now, I love who I am besides a few body issues that I can and will change through increasing exercise and decreasing crap intake. I love my situation but am ready to move from it onto something different, something that allows for opportunity to experience things here-to-for exotic to me. (really simple things too. )

I Dont have much of a plan for my future beyond some ideas, and dreams, and that is what I will sit down and work on, but I realize that I am not afraid of going somewhere that has no ties for me, I am not afraid to go somewhere far bigger than where I am now, I am not afraid to be the man I dreamt of years ago and have been slowly putting together over the years. I know happiness exists in me but I also know it awaits me, and for that I will plan to throw myself into whatever may arrive in front of me. I know what Robert Frost meant now, I suppose I always did, but I think I really truly understand what that path means and will mean for me.

Optimism and understanding come late at night for me sometimes, but this one, this one I am loving.