Breaking definitions from stone
Having a conversation the other night led me to realize something, this being that I normally do a good job of convincing myself that I am not lonely, but in the midst of that conversation I found that I was not doing a good job of it right then. In that moment I had an awareness of what I try to forget. Always in the back of my mind is the knowledge that I want to date, that I want to be in a relationship, that I want to settle sometime in the future, these things I am aware of but yet I can suppress them, and usually do.
I do not let myself think of them as I do not want to deal with them, I dont want to have those things kicking about in my brain pan until I have certain things figured out in my life. Thats how my mind works now, it has a kind of way about it, a way that says you should have this done before you do that, and that done before you move on to the other thing, and yet I look around at people diving into things without the forethought and they do fine. Somewhere along the lines I have separated the impetuous that maybe I should be, from the life that I think I should have. I dont know if that is good or not.
I am often pushed to pursue, especially if out at a bar on a random night, but I honestly do not want to, the desire for that kind of pursuit has left me. I dont want to take on the persona of a priest, but I dont want the random encounter with someone I dont know. I want a connection that desire can arise from, I want something that combines mental and physical, and I think that is why I push it down because I dont feel like finding it in my town, I dont want to stay here, and the right girl could talk me into it. At the same time I forget that there are other ways of looking at this world and finding what you want within it. Instead I shut it down completely.
Not the healthiest way to live perhaps, but that is why I convince myself that i am not lonely. Really, that comes from the fact that I have many amazing friends, and a great family, some are even both to me. Because of these people in my life I do not feel lonely, nor would I have ever described myself as such, but when I looked at the word and the definition I saw that it was not set in stone like I thought it had been.
See I didnt think I could be lonely because I had such fantastic people in my life. When smiles are slapped across your face by words and actions from people you love, you dont think of yourself as lonely, and really, why would you? I looked at how I would describe someone lonely and I realized that to me it would be a person that seemingly had no one to go to, no shoulders to lean on, no ears to bend, none of that, but how else was I to describe part of what I felt if not using the word lonely?
I realize that I should look at the way I define words, and really the world around me. All to often I say to myself that I should constantly be learning, should be broadening my horizons, but yet I still let little things like words be something I dont think I should falter on. Of course I should falter on them because they are the basis of so much more in my life and in my world, and if I am unwilling to bend and break, then I am going to be one of these people that are stuck in their ways refusing to try a new restaurant simply because they have no knowledge of the cuisine inside.
So fear not reader of these words, my new found knowledge that I am lonely does not have me spiraling into a depression, no it has made me aware. I am aware of how I feel, I know now that these feelings do not come from merely wanting something in my life, but come from a need for it. I always knew that I wanted someone in my life that I could talk to, learn from, care for, and love, but I didnt let myself get to a point of knowingly needing it. Now that I know I need it I can take a new look at it, and see how I want to change my outlook. I am not going to run out desperately looking for someone that will merely fit the bill, nor will I rush the process, but I think a new outlook is exactly what I need in this.
So basically, Im lonely in love, but not lonely in life. My world will be more open to adaptation, and soon enough more will make sense to me.
That should be a fun task to undertake
Having a conversation the other night led me to realize something, this being that I normally do a good job of convincing myself that I am not lonely, but in the midst of that conversation I found that I was not doing a good job of it right then. In that moment I had an awareness of what I try to forget. Always in the back of my mind is the knowledge that I want to date, that I want to be in a relationship, that I want to settle sometime in the future, these things I am aware of but yet I can suppress them, and usually do.
I do not let myself think of them as I do not want to deal with them, I dont want to have those things kicking about in my brain pan until I have certain things figured out in my life. Thats how my mind works now, it has a kind of way about it, a way that says you should have this done before you do that, and that done before you move on to the other thing, and yet I look around at people diving into things without the forethought and they do fine. Somewhere along the lines I have separated the impetuous that maybe I should be, from the life that I think I should have. I dont know if that is good or not.
I am often pushed to pursue, especially if out at a bar on a random night, but I honestly do not want to, the desire for that kind of pursuit has left me. I dont want to take on the persona of a priest, but I dont want the random encounter with someone I dont know. I want a connection that desire can arise from, I want something that combines mental and physical, and I think that is why I push it down because I dont feel like finding it in my town, I dont want to stay here, and the right girl could talk me into it. At the same time I forget that there are other ways of looking at this world and finding what you want within it. Instead I shut it down completely.
Not the healthiest way to live perhaps, but that is why I convince myself that i am not lonely. Really, that comes from the fact that I have many amazing friends, and a great family, some are even both to me. Because of these people in my life I do not feel lonely, nor would I have ever described myself as such, but when I looked at the word and the definition I saw that it was not set in stone like I thought it had been.
See I didnt think I could be lonely because I had such fantastic people in my life. When smiles are slapped across your face by words and actions from people you love, you dont think of yourself as lonely, and really, why would you? I looked at how I would describe someone lonely and I realized that to me it would be a person that seemingly had no one to go to, no shoulders to lean on, no ears to bend, none of that, but how else was I to describe part of what I felt if not using the word lonely?
I realize that I should look at the way I define words, and really the world around me. All to often I say to myself that I should constantly be learning, should be broadening my horizons, but yet I still let little things like words be something I dont think I should falter on. Of course I should falter on them because they are the basis of so much more in my life and in my world, and if I am unwilling to bend and break, then I am going to be one of these people that are stuck in their ways refusing to try a new restaurant simply because they have no knowledge of the cuisine inside.
So fear not reader of these words, my new found knowledge that I am lonely does not have me spiraling into a depression, no it has made me aware. I am aware of how I feel, I know now that these feelings do not come from merely wanting something in my life, but come from a need for it. I always knew that I wanted someone in my life that I could talk to, learn from, care for, and love, but I didnt let myself get to a point of knowingly needing it. Now that I know I need it I can take a new look at it, and see how I want to change my outlook. I am not going to run out desperately looking for someone that will merely fit the bill, nor will I rush the process, but I think a new outlook is exactly what I need in this.
So basically, Im lonely in love, but not lonely in life. My world will be more open to adaptation, and soon enough more will make sense to me.
That should be a fun task to undertake
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