"Oh, Jake," Brett said, "we could have had such a damned good time together."...
"Yes," I said. "Isn't it pretty to think so?"
-Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

I finished this book yesterday, and it was probably the fourth or so time I have read it. It is simply one of my favorite books, and this time it stirred something in me. Stirred in a way that it hadn't in the past. I had always thought about Brett and Jake's relationship, and those lines above sum it up so well.

For those of you who have not read the book, Jake was injured in the war in a way that left him impotent. The reader is left wondering how, but it's not something that has to be described to the reader. Brett is a beautiful woman who loves Jake but they are held back by that impotence, held to only being close friends. These are the things that make me wonder about the characters, and this time it made me look at my life as well.

I often wondered at the level of Jakes devotion to Brett, he drops everything to help her in any way she needs, spends time with the men that come in and out of her life without judgement, things of this nature, all while loving her unconditionally. At the same time Brett loves Jake, shudders when they kiss, but cannot bring herself to settle down with someone she cannot be with. I looked at the unrequited nature of their love, and the toll it took on both, but it is still a strong enough love that they cannot be apart for long at all. So in a way it's kind of beautiful in it's purity, but sad in it's tragic nature.

This time though, it made me wonder about what I put out there with the opposite sex. I have plenty of really good friends that are women and I wouldn't change that, but at the same time I start to wonder if I put across a vibe of impotence like Jake. I am not going to fish for compliments or anything of that nature, but I wonder if I am not aggressive enough in life, and the wondering itself is probably telling.

In my life I have usually spent time deciding how I feel about them before pursuing something, and this isn't the best way of going about trying to find a significant other. I realize that one should use datig as a means to get to know the girl, but I overthink things, always have, so I decide on things before I pursue them. I also have a habit of falling for the girl that is already taken, wondering why I can't have someone like that, well easy answer is because they are happy where they are. I have to let decisions come when they will, and let the thinking come to pass. I know I have redeeming and sought after qualities because I hear that often enough, but I also know that I have not been putting myself out there enough, and that really is the problem with it all.

Hemingway was a hell of a writer and like good fiction should, he made me think and wonder and reflect back at myself. I know that I am on a good path, and I like the traveling, I think I just need to pick up the pace. Maybe I don't need to pick up the pace so much as be aware of the pace itself, and be willing to adapt as necessary.

The last words of Brett and Jake are simple and telling, full of dreams that won't be, but dreams that continue to exist and always will as long as the book remains in print, and that is something I truly love about fiction generally speaking.

Perhaps my age is taken a toll on my sub-conscious without me knowing it and something like this blog is it's way of telling me so. I only hope that it makes sense as it has been kicking around in my head for that last few days and manifested differently each time, so hopefully this is a lucid version.