the_matt79

The world in my head just got a little less confusing. I nutted up and looked at the deadlines on the school's website, and I am still well within them, guess I didn't have to be a chicken shit after all, man that makes me feel so much better. I am finishing up the edit to my thesis as I type this and so I get to have a guilt free night off of work tonight which is awesome other than the fact that I just stayed up all day getting this put together. I probably wouldn't have taken as long if I had followed his notes precisely, but I didn't like how part of it was worded so I "fixed" it as I went along. Damn I feel good right now, like honestly relieved and really good.

The world in my head is very confusing to me right now. I want more than anything to be done with school, and to have the milestone of my MA taken care of. I know that once I have this accomplishment taken care of there will be a new freedom for me, opportunity just might come a knocking type of thing. On the other hand I have this understanding of myself that involves being a student, and I don't know what I will be when that is done.

At the same time when I am done with school it all becomes real, my position in life is real, and I have to then understand that I am in my hometown, working a good job (albeit one that does not require a high level of education), and I have been putting life on hold for the past few years because I am comfortable. I know that I am overly comfortable in my current position and that it's not necessarily a good thing, I get that, I really do.

A friend at work has seeminly taken it upon himself to goad me into making a change in my life, and I gotta love the guy for it. He jokes around with me and takes little jabs at me, and I know they aren't mean but in fact are well meaning and that's awesome because I probably need to hear more things like that to keep my mind focused on the right movements in life.

I really should do a break down of what I want to do with life and where I want to go and put together a damn timeline. I had kind of decided to stay at my current job until next summer when I will be vested for retirement at the railroad. Granted the retirement wouldn't be much, but then I would have something to show for my time there. Maybe it's like he said and I am just putting these goals in front of myself and after a while I will be sitting there for thirty years wondering what the hell happened with my life. I know my parents wouldn't want this to happen, in fact my dad told me not to make a career of the railroad when I hired on, and I know why he said that, because he and mom didn't really want to stay in Glendive for the rest of their lives.

I know that there are truly happy people in town here, and I am happy for them, but I think it might be slowly sapping the life out of me all the while convincing me that comfort is worth it. I am not a small town man, but I am not a big city boy either, something in the 60-100 some thousand people would probably be my max, and that's still pretty big for me. Glendive is a town of about 6000 people so you can see how my mind might be devided on that topic.

I skoff at the various people that bring up how they wouldn't want to raise children in a larger city and the problems that would impose to them. I skoff because I do not see diversity as negative, I don't see opportunity as negative, I know they are referring to crime or something like that, but I have to look at the positives and wonder why they don't as well. I want to move to Fargo to be around my friends again, and eastern North Dakota always felt pretty good to me, like a second home, good people, not that bad a climate (I like cold winters for some sad reason ). I don't know what I would do over there, but there are all kinds of things to try, and there should be opportunities to use my education as well, so maybe the unkown is something I should just go for once I have my Masters done with. My comfort holds me back, because ease is better than unknown change, or is it. I won't know what I am capable if I don't push myself towards something new. That is why I like Fargo so much, if I push myself and start to falter, the friends I have there wouldn't judge but would help as they are amazing people.

Glendive has a ridiculous housing market right now, new oil brought a lot of people into the region and with these people the value of a house went way up and the prices on them is ridiculous. The apartments in this town are abysmal, nothing of quality is available to rent, and then the prices on those vary as well. I guess I am just piling up the reasons for me to flee, all the while still trying to figure things out from this current position.

Maybe to figure it out I need to change my position.