the_matt79

Rumination like a mother fucker.

Yesterday I decided to finally dwell on a question a friend of mine asked me last fall, that being "What is keeping you there?"

That question was asked in relation to why I am in my hometown and not where I dream to be. A momentary pause was misconstrued as it being to personal, but in reality it was just me wondering, really what is keeping me here. I answered her, but didn't really think about it or dwell on it until yesterday when I decided to go ahead and answer it, the following is kind of what came about from that.

First and foremost I have a lot of student loan debt that I am trying to get rid of before I venture back out into the real world, so I am working a good job that pays well and has good benefits, and living at home. I didn't envision myself living at home at 30, 10 years ago when I first ventured away from home and moved to Grand Forks. (wow this summer is ten years since I first moved to East Grand Forks so I could attend UND, who knew that simple move would impact me so much) So yeah financially my current situation makes all the sense in the world, I need to get all that taken care of and in turn get a savings account built up so that the options are more open, but that is the simple answer to the question, let's get deep people.

I am to comfortable at the moment, something that makes the idea of moving and not knowing what I will do a big fearful thing, That is what is keeping me here.

I want to live in Grand Forks and surround myself with the interesting and loving friends I have over there, but because I don't know how I would make that happen, I don't even look into it, That is what is keeping me here.

I have grown accustomed to the paychecks I get from work and don't know what I would do over there that pays comparably so I don't even look, That is what is keeping me here.

I fear that if I do venture out again that my experiences won't be the same as they were the first go round (could be better though Matt), That is what is keeping me here.

The wonderment of what could be is always better than actually knowing what is, That is what is keeping me here.

Living life on a week by week basis, and just letting the time slip by in between ventures into the real world, That is what is keeping me here.

Being only partially the Matt that I know I am and can be, That is keeping me here.

Letting myself get caught up in the imagined so much that I will not pursue the real, That is what is keeping me here.

So yeah, in it's basest form it is a simple little question, but as the saing goes "Big things come in little packages".

That is what is keeping me here.