This is a long one, but something I could use help with, so if you take the time to read it, I appreciate it, and can use any advice made available to me.
Lately I have been wondering if I have forgotten how to be social. This may seem like a weird thing to forget, but I honestly do not know if I really know how to get out and about anymore, or if I haven't gotten a partial case of agoraphobia.
I suppose it started three years ago when I moved home so that I might actually get something done with my schooling. I no longer had to be present to be working towards my masters in anthropology, and was enrolled in school with writing and research credits. I now only had to be enrolled with one credit to be considered a student and be eligible to defend my thesis when I get it done. The last semester I spent in Missoula all I did was go out drinking with my friends whenever they called me up, usually it was Tuesday's and Fridays, those seemed to be the best days to go out and about, and I usually drank and partied enough that I only wanted to go out those two days. Needless to say this was not conducive to getting my thesis research done like I needed to, so when my roommate announced that he was selling the house, rather than look for somewhere to live, I decided to move home.
The folks came up and helped me get my shit that December and I found myself home that Christmas, home to stay. Well I wasted a few months getting my research worked on and towards done while I went through the rest of my money that was around from my student loans that last semester, and now I would have to look for work, since I had no money and my loan payments were coming due. The railroad was hiring and it started out at 17 something an hour, not bad for something you only needed a high school diploma, a clean drug test, and a clean record for. I applied and started that July, my dad told me that he didn't want me to make a career of it, and I agreed with him. I started out thinking that I would only do 2 years and then I would move out of Glendive, well two years came 5 days ago and I really don't know what I have in store for myself. Now granted I was in a pretty bad accident last year that took me out of commision for a few months, which I was lucky for. I only broke my tibia and fibula in my right leg and severely sprained my left ankle, when I could have easily died. I don't know that I have ever let the enormity of the accident really sink in and part of me is glad of that as it allowed me to go back to work when I was physically ready, but part of me is sad about that because it makes me wonder if I am really appreciating the second chance that I received by merely breaking my leg.
Right now I am on a second break from work because I had the rod removed from my right tibia that was placed there last year to help it heal, that's what happens when you shatter the bone I guess. Actually the PA that was working the emergency room when I got there said that he had seen breaks like that before when he was stationed in Iraq, and that they usually involved the person being shot. So there ya go, being hit by a 300,000 pound locomotive is like being shot, injury wise that is. These breaks have been nice, because I am more of a creative person and I like the time off to read and think about things that I might not otherwise look at, hence this blog.
Back to my original point, am I scared of being social, or have I forgotten how to be social. I have always been the guy that can get along in pretty much any situation, I might be a bit quiet at first as I get my bearings, but after a brief bit of time you probably are not going to get me to shut up, and I am going to at least entertain a handful of people while I am there. Lately however I am starting to avoid going out and about, and putting myself in social scenes. I used to say this was because I worked the 11pm to 7am shift with Sunday Monday off, and who goes out on Sunday Mondays, right? Well when I got the Thursday Friday night shift, I went out once and then stopped completely, and then after a month I got a 7am to 3pm job with Tuesday Wednesday and no longer had to worry about it again. Now granted I do prefer my current position, as it is awesome to live a normal life again, but once again I put myself in a spot where I don't have to go out.
Recently we had a family get together and part of me really did not want to go because I wondered how I could enjoy myself as there was no set list of activities that I could look through, and some of my family can be a bit much. Well guess what happened, yep that's right, I went, I did whatever, and I had fun doing it. I sit and wonder why I was so scared of it when I should have known that everything was going to be fine, yet I was. Now there is another big activity that I am going to be going to, that I was scared of attending for some of these same reasons. It is a big concert event that I have been to three times in the past and had a fantastic time at all three times, but yet this year I was hesitant to go, even though one of my best friends is going to be there, and a bunch of other really good friends, all of whom I haven't seen since January. So why would I be scared to go there, that's right because I wonder if I remember how to be social.
I don't want to be the guy that has to have a few beers to talk to everyone and laugh and cavort, but part of me thinks that I might have to, and I don't want that. I find myself second guessing what I have to say when in groups of people, and I learned back in my Senior year of high school not to be like that and hadn't looked back until recently. That was the main reason that so many people liked me, I am not trying to be conceited but I was voted easiest to get along with Senior year, and I honestly only know one person that doesn't like me, and she kind of has a good reason. My best friend Glen taught me to be quicker with my wit, and not think things over and over again before I say them, and that is what the turnaround for me was. He taught me that while we worked at Taco John's the summer between Junior and Senior year, and he taught me it by berating me over and over again with his rapidfire wit. I had to quicken or I was going to get skewered. I distinctly remember a buddy of mine asking me when I got funny after school started back up, and I sat there and thought about it. In my head I knew I had always been funny, but I had held myself back, and that was the new found difference.
Once I no longer held myself back I all of a sudden had luck with girls, and I didn't worry that I was a little bit bigger than some. I was never fat until after I broke my leg, the 2.5 months I couldn't walk and then the 2 months where I couldn't be active put me in the high 200s closing in on the 300s which was something I never thought possible, but became quite possible and easy. As of right now I am happy to say that I am down to a little over 210 and working my way down to breaking the 2s, which is something that I haven't done in a long, long time. So hey at least I am starting to become a form of sexy that I wasn't before, but the socialness is something that worries me, as I have stated.
You see right now I am perfectly happy sitting at home with a book, video game, movie, comics, whatever and just letting the days drift over me. This is one of the reasons that I haven't gotten my thesis done, I started living my life in five day blocks and all of a sudden two years have gone by at the railroad and I have no plan of action. Also I am perfectly happy letting this time go by and just staying at home because I have convinced myself that there is nothing to do in my town so why try. Now I do live in a town of 5500-6000 people so my options are limited, and a lot of my friends do no longer live here, but I do still know people in town and there are periodic activities to attend. I have merely convinced myself that it is always the same bars, with the same people, and that is the reason I should stay home. That and there are no women in my desired age range that do not have massive amounts of baggage or 4 kids around here, so that is why my love life is faltering. So what the hell is am I doing on that front, oh yeah, nothing as well. I have been single for a long time now, and I really do not want to be single anymore, but I have convinced myself that I will have to wait until I leave town, and I have no idea when that will be.
SO I really wonder if I have forgotten how to be social, if I am coming down with a small case of agoraphobia, or if my fear of success has finally permeated all aspects of my being. What do you think? If you have waded through all of my words, what would you say my problem is? I would love feedback on this because I try to keep myself positive, but this shit is constantly in the back of my head and I really don't know what to do with it anymore. So chime in, any and all of you, help a brother out.
I think for now I will puruse some other peoples blogs, see what's going on, and then maybe go watch the Two Towers and hope that when I wake up there might be something for me to read.
Lately I have been wondering if I have forgotten how to be social. This may seem like a weird thing to forget, but I honestly do not know if I really know how to get out and about anymore, or if I haven't gotten a partial case of agoraphobia.
I suppose it started three years ago when I moved home so that I might actually get something done with my schooling. I no longer had to be present to be working towards my masters in anthropology, and was enrolled in school with writing and research credits. I now only had to be enrolled with one credit to be considered a student and be eligible to defend my thesis when I get it done. The last semester I spent in Missoula all I did was go out drinking with my friends whenever they called me up, usually it was Tuesday's and Fridays, those seemed to be the best days to go out and about, and I usually drank and partied enough that I only wanted to go out those two days. Needless to say this was not conducive to getting my thesis research done like I needed to, so when my roommate announced that he was selling the house, rather than look for somewhere to live, I decided to move home.
The folks came up and helped me get my shit that December and I found myself home that Christmas, home to stay. Well I wasted a few months getting my research worked on and towards done while I went through the rest of my money that was around from my student loans that last semester, and now I would have to look for work, since I had no money and my loan payments were coming due. The railroad was hiring and it started out at 17 something an hour, not bad for something you only needed a high school diploma, a clean drug test, and a clean record for. I applied and started that July, my dad told me that he didn't want me to make a career of it, and I agreed with him. I started out thinking that I would only do 2 years and then I would move out of Glendive, well two years came 5 days ago and I really don't know what I have in store for myself. Now granted I was in a pretty bad accident last year that took me out of commision for a few months, which I was lucky for. I only broke my tibia and fibula in my right leg and severely sprained my left ankle, when I could have easily died. I don't know that I have ever let the enormity of the accident really sink in and part of me is glad of that as it allowed me to go back to work when I was physically ready, but part of me is sad about that because it makes me wonder if I am really appreciating the second chance that I received by merely breaking my leg.
Right now I am on a second break from work because I had the rod removed from my right tibia that was placed there last year to help it heal, that's what happens when you shatter the bone I guess. Actually the PA that was working the emergency room when I got there said that he had seen breaks like that before when he was stationed in Iraq, and that they usually involved the person being shot. So there ya go, being hit by a 300,000 pound locomotive is like being shot, injury wise that is. These breaks have been nice, because I am more of a creative person and I like the time off to read and think about things that I might not otherwise look at, hence this blog.
Back to my original point, am I scared of being social, or have I forgotten how to be social. I have always been the guy that can get along in pretty much any situation, I might be a bit quiet at first as I get my bearings, but after a brief bit of time you probably are not going to get me to shut up, and I am going to at least entertain a handful of people while I am there. Lately however I am starting to avoid going out and about, and putting myself in social scenes. I used to say this was because I worked the 11pm to 7am shift with Sunday Monday off, and who goes out on Sunday Mondays, right? Well when I got the Thursday Friday night shift, I went out once and then stopped completely, and then after a month I got a 7am to 3pm job with Tuesday Wednesday and no longer had to worry about it again. Now granted I do prefer my current position, as it is awesome to live a normal life again, but once again I put myself in a spot where I don't have to go out.
Recently we had a family get together and part of me really did not want to go because I wondered how I could enjoy myself as there was no set list of activities that I could look through, and some of my family can be a bit much. Well guess what happened, yep that's right, I went, I did whatever, and I had fun doing it. I sit and wonder why I was so scared of it when I should have known that everything was going to be fine, yet I was. Now there is another big activity that I am going to be going to, that I was scared of attending for some of these same reasons. It is a big concert event that I have been to three times in the past and had a fantastic time at all three times, but yet this year I was hesitant to go, even though one of my best friends is going to be there, and a bunch of other really good friends, all of whom I haven't seen since January. So why would I be scared to go there, that's right because I wonder if I remember how to be social.
I don't want to be the guy that has to have a few beers to talk to everyone and laugh and cavort, but part of me thinks that I might have to, and I don't want that. I find myself second guessing what I have to say when in groups of people, and I learned back in my Senior year of high school not to be like that and hadn't looked back until recently. That was the main reason that so many people liked me, I am not trying to be conceited but I was voted easiest to get along with Senior year, and I honestly only know one person that doesn't like me, and she kind of has a good reason. My best friend Glen taught me to be quicker with my wit, and not think things over and over again before I say them, and that is what the turnaround for me was. He taught me that while we worked at Taco John's the summer between Junior and Senior year, and he taught me it by berating me over and over again with his rapidfire wit. I had to quicken or I was going to get skewered. I distinctly remember a buddy of mine asking me when I got funny after school started back up, and I sat there and thought about it. In my head I knew I had always been funny, but I had held myself back, and that was the new found difference.
Once I no longer held myself back I all of a sudden had luck with girls, and I didn't worry that I was a little bit bigger than some. I was never fat until after I broke my leg, the 2.5 months I couldn't walk and then the 2 months where I couldn't be active put me in the high 200s closing in on the 300s which was something I never thought possible, but became quite possible and easy. As of right now I am happy to say that I am down to a little over 210 and working my way down to breaking the 2s, which is something that I haven't done in a long, long time. So hey at least I am starting to become a form of sexy that I wasn't before, but the socialness is something that worries me, as I have stated.
You see right now I am perfectly happy sitting at home with a book, video game, movie, comics, whatever and just letting the days drift over me. This is one of the reasons that I haven't gotten my thesis done, I started living my life in five day blocks and all of a sudden two years have gone by at the railroad and I have no plan of action. Also I am perfectly happy letting this time go by and just staying at home because I have convinced myself that there is nothing to do in my town so why try. Now I do live in a town of 5500-6000 people so my options are limited, and a lot of my friends do no longer live here, but I do still know people in town and there are periodic activities to attend. I have merely convinced myself that it is always the same bars, with the same people, and that is the reason I should stay home. That and there are no women in my desired age range that do not have massive amounts of baggage or 4 kids around here, so that is why my love life is faltering. So what the hell is am I doing on that front, oh yeah, nothing as well. I have been single for a long time now, and I really do not want to be single anymore, but I have convinced myself that I will have to wait until I leave town, and I have no idea when that will be.
SO I really wonder if I have forgotten how to be social, if I am coming down with a small case of agoraphobia, or if my fear of success has finally permeated all aspects of my being. What do you think? If you have waded through all of my words, what would you say my problem is? I would love feedback on this because I try to keep myself positive, but this shit is constantly in the back of my head and I really don't know what to do with it anymore. So chime in, any and all of you, help a brother out.
I think for now I will puruse some other peoples blogs, see what's going on, and then maybe go watch the Two Towers and hope that when I wake up there might be something for me to read.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
vivian:
What level are you on? In Kingdom Hearts.
benten:
i think its just me who doesnt like cold tea. x x