So how many times can one write and then delete a journal entry?
Answer: Many.
In brief, I woke up this morning in a fucking foul mood. It ebbed for a bit, but it's been there all day.
But, in a dramatic turn of events, I know why I feel so pissed off. But that's no real good thing.
The crux of the matter is that I'm like a fucking 5 year old. I should stop looking for things I expect and want and just realise that they're not going happen.
And no, this isn't about 'Making it happen myself' or any of that olther self help bollocks. I can't 'make it happen', if I were to do that, then it wouldn't be worth anything. This is something I want that should happen without my intervention, or it's not worth a single thing. But on the flip side of that, it's unrealistic of me to expect anything without my intervention. It's not that I want life to be handed to me on a plate, because I know rather well that that's not how it works. But it's not true that anything given freely has no value, it has no cost, but it has an immeasurable value.
I don't want to feel jaded about things though, I don't want the humdrum and banal realities of life to wear me down. What I want is for my hope to be rewarded, to know that wonder and enchantment are still around. I do the things that I do because not only do I firmly believe in doing the right thing, but it also gives me pleasure in doing it.
But I'm not a saint, I'm no selfless 'shining light' that I want other people to behold and to extoll the virtues of (as much of an attractive proposition that may be). I do these things also for purely selfish reasons.
Like writing this entry for instance, although not drunk and self pitying, which does make a huge fucking change for me. I'm writing it in a real 'stamping my foot' kind of way, I'm being purile and selfish and childish. I know for a fact that in the morning I'll think better of this and delete and just rewriite the whole thing. For fear of rocking the boat and spoiling what little I have. I know that I should bear it stoically like a man and let the world win once again.
But for 5 minutes, let me whine, wail and stamp my feet.
Answer: Many.
In brief, I woke up this morning in a fucking foul mood. It ebbed for a bit, but it's been there all day.
But, in a dramatic turn of events, I know why I feel so pissed off. But that's no real good thing.
The crux of the matter is that I'm like a fucking 5 year old. I should stop looking for things I expect and want and just realise that they're not going happen.
And no, this isn't about 'Making it happen myself' or any of that olther self help bollocks. I can't 'make it happen', if I were to do that, then it wouldn't be worth anything. This is something I want that should happen without my intervention, or it's not worth a single thing. But on the flip side of that, it's unrealistic of me to expect anything without my intervention. It's not that I want life to be handed to me on a plate, because I know rather well that that's not how it works. But it's not true that anything given freely has no value, it has no cost, but it has an immeasurable value.
I don't want to feel jaded about things though, I don't want the humdrum and banal realities of life to wear me down. What I want is for my hope to be rewarded, to know that wonder and enchantment are still around. I do the things that I do because not only do I firmly believe in doing the right thing, but it also gives me pleasure in doing it.
But I'm not a saint, I'm no selfless 'shining light' that I want other people to behold and to extoll the virtues of (as much of an attractive proposition that may be). I do these things also for purely selfish reasons.
Like writing this entry for instance, although not drunk and self pitying, which does make a huge fucking change for me. I'm writing it in a real 'stamping my foot' kind of way, I'm being purile and selfish and childish. I know for a fact that in the morning I'll think better of this and delete and just rewriite the whole thing. For fear of rocking the boat and spoiling what little I have. I know that I should bear it stoically like a man and let the world win once again.
But for 5 minutes, let me whine, wail and stamp my feet.