the_cooler

I want to know what forgiveness feels like. from each perspective. it seems that its some idea tossed about, and I've held it as one of my virtues thinking that I was pretty good at it. recent developments have forced me to question the validity of the whole concept. Is it possible? think about it. Infidelity? it's never forgotten. abuse? theres no reason to forget that. I won't go into recent issues but will use two examples from a while ago. 1) I'm not someone with a whole lot of regrets but once I went out with this amazing, truly beautiful individual. she was creative and fun and fully unique and I think about her now as someone I could have easily spent a long time with trying to figure things out as a little team. I as a matter of reflex went back with my playboy-looking girlfriend I had no success with or interest in because it was what people expected of me, I was stupid I was young. I miss that girl, could she possibly have forgiven me?
2) more recently, I spent time with someone who inflicted a lot of surprise pain on me. I wasn't sure why. nominally we continued to try to be friendly but as I continued to grow & progress the comments I would get didn't seem to be a part of the process of discovery but meant to kneecap me and doubt myself when every other person in my life is congratulating me. why did I bother with forgiving? I don't know, it was my first impulse, it was what I was taught.

all right I've got to get back to work on this Sunday night, I'll see y'all tomorrow. love, SW