Saturday Jun 19, 2004

0
I wonder how other people see me...you know, what they think when they look at me or when I cross their mind. Do they see someone they can trust? Someone they think is stupid? Or smart?

Eh, my ramblings at the moment I think come from my insecurities as of late.

I don't really know what to think anymore...I feel lost most of the time. Maybe there's something missing in my life right now. Or maybe...maybe I'm just lonely.

Lonely...

I don't see how that could be. I have friends, family, and a special someone who all care about me a great deal...love me even. But sometimes, I think I'm fooling myself. Fooling myself into this illusion...an illusion of happiness. An illusion of control.

hehe...control...who am I kidding?

Myself I guess. My friend Orlando tells me I'm not fake, that I'm one of the most honest people he knows...but sometimes I just feel like a fake, no matter how blunt or honest I am.

I wish I could feel confidence again. Yea. That would be nice. Confidence. Knowing what I want. No complications. Just happy go lucky. Having fun. Enjoying every millisecond of my life. I wish...

I wish I felt like me again.

I miss knowing who the person is that stares back at me in the mirror.

I miss understanding and accepting who I was.

I miss...being surrounded by people who love me. Being surrounded by people I know. People I care about.

Big cities tend to take that away from you, I think. The caring. People just start to look all alike. No distinguishing this person from that person. Everyone's just milling around the same way you are...everyone's just trying to get by the same way you are...

But I don't want to be just like everyone. I don't want to be apart of that faceless crowd. I refuse. You can't make me. No one can.

My name is Tara. I am Tara. You can't take that away from me. Ever.

Fuck you, Depression. I'm going to be happy.

You heard me.

Happy.

~T.C.
the_cheat:
Sorry for the rambling, people...I read an old journal entry on a different blog site I used to frequent...and well, I was inspired.
mechanicalmonkey:
I know exactly how you feel, that was me winter term and sort of now. Do you want me to allude to or frinq class? Hyper/altered reality is still reality and you still have to deal with it. Plus you also need to realize your not the same person as before you started school. I'm a perfect example shocked

And hey control who needs it, sure its comforting to know that something in life is reliable, and I really don't think it should be anything physical(except for my comp), and whatever it is it should allow you to be all chipper.

I'd have to agree with you that big cities do seem to take away the caring, of course thats also a big part of living on your own, no one gives a rats ass about you, except those close to you.

Hey and someone can take your name away.... you know witness protection etc. That would suck eh?

Oh and whatever you do don't watch fightclub.

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