thaumaturgist

So he's gone. Gone gone. Half a continent away. The apartment feels so empty. He didn't even have that much stuff...but it's still empty. Every cd I try to play reminds me of him a little. It happened so fast. I miss him...but for all the wrong reasons...which maybe are all the right reasons considering. I am mostly disturbed by the apartment. Andrea came over yesterday and we cleaned and rearranged furniture. The second bedroom/office is mostly cleaned out, awaiting a new resident. Worst of all my bedroom has been shuffled to make room for the computer desk. It just disturbs me how different it feels. This was our home. We made this place ours. Now its mine...and if feels wrong. I worked so hard to make it ours and not a shadow of the place across the hall. Now I have to rebuild it again.

Everyone has been wonderful. My friends really did shine through. I am loved. I feel wierd though. Last night Andrea, Mary, and I went to the Leather Rose and watched some scenes. It's rare they have an open party like that. It's a members only dungeon. It felt cool to be sitting among such a diverse group of kinky folk watching someone get suspended by rope while a woman was being fisted to my left and Andrea's ex sub Luna was getting spanked like a little bitch. So strange to be there but kind of cool to. I am a little voyeur after all. But that is not what was wierd. What was wierd was that there were just a couple really hot guys there. Andrea and Mary enjoy gay boy action...I offered to blow them. Nothing came of it, which I'm almost kind of glad about. I think I really want to go get laid to kind of sever that last tie in my head, even though I know it's such the wrong reason, and there's a good chance I'll feel pretty lame afterwards. I just can't get myself too excited about casual sex with strangers. I used to be all about it, but now it just doesn't really hold the appeal anymore.

I want to hate him. I don't, but I want to. It would make it so much easier not to still love him.