thatzac

edit: my dog, cleo, died today. september 22, 2003. we put her to sleep, my mom and me. she hadn't eaten for days. she had and incredible heart murmur and was fighting congenital heart failure. i didn't cry at teh vet's office. i talked to the vet, or at least listened to him as he talked and my mom cried. i held cleo's head in my hands as the poison killed her and my mom cried. i wanted to scream. i wanted to scream and scream and scream. she has been there since i was 8 years old.
i didnt do anything. my nose ran. i really wanted to scream. i want to cry right now forever. i want to see her again. i already miss her. she was my girl. i'm really drunk now and i can't hlep it. me and my mom got rally drunk.

hi. i am that zac.

::hi that zac::

um. yeah. "hi."
i think i'm an alcoholic.
it's weird coming here to talk about this, but strangely enough, you guys are the least judgemental people i can go to right now.

i'm drunk right now. i bought a box of wine today. to change things up. i'll probably go to sleep after i drink the last beer in my fridge tho.

i really didn't think i was an alcoholic for a long time. i know a kid who is an obvious alcoholic. and he's a asshole. my uncle is an alcohol, and he hasn't had a drop in years. he was an asshole too. i guess i thought the prerequisite was that you had to be an asshole. tho, i guess to plenty of people i probably am. an asshole, that is.
i never really thought i needed to drink to get by. but more and more, it seems that that is how i function. something there to drink to get by. something to pass the time.
and i like getting drunk, i like getting a bit tipsy. i like feeling how it makes me feel. i like that it lets parts of me out that i can't let out other times. i really don't get it. i am that zac, but that zac hides too often, and then drinking makes it better.
both my parents are alcoholics. last night i had to help out my mom. my dad wouldn't help. none of us had anything to eat during the day, because of various fights, and whatever. we all started drinking. my mom downed like 2 bottles of wine or so and it hit her really hard. she went to bed, as it were. i stayed up with my dad for a while, it was still really early and i had planned on going out. my mom started yelling from my parents' bedroom and my dad pretended he couldn't hear. he does that a lot with all of us. i went in and got her some water and the garbage can to throw up in. then i helped her to the bathroom and took her sweater so i could wash some of the puke out of it. it was all fuckin red wine stain. i think i got it all out. i put her to bed. then i decided i had to leave. i bought my dad a bottle of bourbon for his birthday a few days ago, so he had that to keep him company.

i think i may have some larger drinking problem though. it's weird. if there is something there to drink, i will finish it. the night isn't done until i am or it is. by it i mean whatever i am drinking. but even if it isn't alcoholic, if it's soda or something, i'll keep drinking. even if i'm awake by a certain point i'll drink water until i'm almost sick from drinking fucking water. how does that even make sense.

there are times that i feel like i may explode, but it's so unfocused. drinking makes me more focused sometimes. i have brilliant ideas when i'm drinking. i really don't mean to sound egotistical, but i have a lot of really really good ideas. really often. but i can't always get them out. and a lot of times it takes a few drinks to focus on them. but then it's late at night and i can't go anywhere with them because i'm too tired or too drunk to do anything. ah, vicious circles.

i can drink a ton and people won't even know it, sometimes. my speech won't slur and, hey, magically, i can still type pretty fucking well. i can drink and keep going living normally.
i miss the morning sometimes. especially now that it's fall again. mornings in fall are always pretty grand. but i'm always sleeping. i sleep all the time i can now. i can't hold my head together. this, i think, is like year 3 of this life. i can't really keep it together much longer.

there are so many things that seem expected of me that i don't think i can pull off. and then i'm afraid to try so that i won't fail.. i'm sure that's a very cliche fear. but there are so many people i feel like i'm holding together. if i take time for me, they fall apart. and i've seen it happen before. and they matter so much to me. i don't want them to be hurt.
fuck, if somebody would just come here and harvest my ideas, they could make millions. just give me a cut so that i could sit back and help my friends. i need somebody to do leg work.
and i guess, when it comes down to it, i need somebody to support my laziness.
but my mind isn't lazy. sometimes it's clouded, sometimes it wanders, but i know so many things. i watch and absorb and process. i'm fucking good at it. ask around. i am a thinking sponge.

i just hought of a saturday morning in pittsburgh that gave me a strange amount of peace.

i give up for tonight, again. much love, if you care to accept it. most people don't believe me.

reprazent.