teyla

I'm sick of dour faces staring at me from the TV tower...

It's depressing really, all those plans that turn into nothing. I thought I was going interrailing this summer, but in the end I couldn't stand to spend all that money. I ended up going to Berlin.

I mean, you have a problem if the funniest thing you do on your trip is to go to a concentration camp. I went to Sachsenhausen the first day. It was really good, the guide was great and cute too, ha ha. Then it all went downhill. It took me forever to find my hostel. Then I went to a gay discoteque that really sucked. What happened to Gloria Gaynor? And while some people may enjoy watching muscular young men in white tank tops, I really don't. I want drag queens! I almost fell asleep on the dance floor. I hadn't been able to sleep on the train the night before, and now I just couldn't take it anymore.

Next day there was the fuck parade and a gay park party in Friedrichshain. That's when I started to get really depressed. Why the fuck did I go there? Watching other people having fun is NOT FUN. I felt the familiar feeling of being on the outside, looking in. Not really belonging anywhere, known by no one. No wonder, I was in Germany. But it's the same thing back home...

I soon left the park, trying to find the subway while I listened to Nine Inch Nails and got lost in my own psychedelic nightmare. All the shit had just come up to the surface, all the fear was left loose. Fear that I might be broken inside somehow, that I would never be able to love anyone again and never find a life that I wanted, perhaps I needed to die... I won't say it was stupid, because it was real there and then.

Then I got really hungry and felt like throwing up. Drinking alcohol seemed to be out of the question. The night was hell, I started thinking about going home, but how could I do that? I had planned to go to the Kit Kat club that night, though I hardly looked forward to it. There is a difference between fantasy and reality, after all. Maybe I would have ended up thinking I wanted something I didn't really want. Maybe I should be really thankful that I just went to bed instead.

I didn't want to call my mum, but she called me the next day and that didn't really help. I spent the day crying in the streets, not really knowing where I was going. I didn't know what to do, one minute I felt that I just had to go home, the next I told myself that I had to stay, that it would work out. Then I cried a bit more because I couldn't make up my mind. Because I felt lonely and pathetic, because my boyfriend was dead, because one day I wouldn't even have a mum to call anymore, because I needed a hug and no one in this damn country could give me that, and because I couldn't stand the thought of eating Dner falafel for the rest of the week. I mean, it tastes like fish!

In the end, I bought a bus ticket back to Sweden. It must have been the right thing to do, because I stopped crying. I decided to make a final stand and get a bit drunk. Everything was so much easier now when this was my last night. I went to Wild at heart with a couple of Danish guys. I had a really great time. Nothing extraordinary, but still...

It felt kind of humiliating to come home, but in the end it felt good. To sleep in my own bed, to eat pizza and watch Friends, just being safe. Travelling is mostly a struggle for survival. You don't understand what the fuck people say, you have to survive on crappy food and you won't have much fun without meeting people, but I have to get drunk for that, and that you can't do if you're too hungry or too tired. And a good night's sleep won't do you much good, because walking the streets in the summer sun will kill you anyway. Why can't life just be simple for me? I just worry about everything. No wonder I need to drink.

And I'm scared about moving tomorrow. School starts on Monday, and I'm just not ready for it. Today's been a horrible day, I've just felt weak and scared and small. I'm on medication again, and it makes my body feel so weak and sick. I didn't dare to start school without meds, but they make things worse just when you start taking them so maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. Fuck, I want real drugs. A cannabis plant has mysteriously appeared outside my parents' window, but someone told them it's not the kind you can smoke. Life just ain't fair.