My first opening up is about something that shaped most of my early childhood. Around 4 or 5 my speech went from weird to a full blown out stutter. My mom always said as a child my speech just seemed a little odd. But around that time it developed into what I considered a very embarrassing situation. Most people couldn't even understand me, including my own mom. I went to years of therapy. I dreaded every time I had to talk in public. I chose to try not to be noticed. Which was hard because I was always big and tall. But every time I had to talk, I could feel my face turn red, heart start pounding. And boom here comes the painful to watch facial jerks. Finally around the 7th grade it got better, for litte bit. But by high school it kicked back into full gear. I had the facial pulls and twitches. Getting words out with certain letters was painful. By 10th grade, I decided enough was enough. I forced myself to have to talk. No more hiding behind shyness. I joined theater, as well as student government. I ended up being elected president of the class, which entailed many public speaking appearances for the school. Then I did something I regretted. I had beaten the monster for the most part. And I blocked my stutter from my mind. Yes occasionally I would still stammer from time to time. But I mentally blocked out the therapy sessions, the being made fun of, the facial twings. (As you will see with later blog entries, blocking things out is the way I dealt with many things). I guess I was ashamed of it, when now I realize it should be something I was proud of. It made me who I am today. Well about 4 years ago, I was told to watch a movie. The Kings speech. About a British king who suffered through stuttering. It is an amazing movie to help people understand part of the stuttering mind. It opened up some wounds that I held inside me. I remember my mother being so frustrated with my issue that she too once hit me in the back of the head to help me get it out. Ok one that doesn't work, and she talked to my speech therapist the week she did it. She felt terrible when she did it. But the therapist said it's a pretty Normal thing parents to in frustration. and no that didn't scar me. But watching the movie broke me down, reliving what I had packaged deep inside. After a few weeks, I was able to get over it and again I blocked most of it out. Then this summer while on a getaway weekend I let my mom watch my kiddos for a few days. She told me my youngest (2) reminded her of me and the way I talked. She was concerned that he was going to follow in my footsteps. Which has made me for the pat two months re open those wounds again. This time though, I have decided to talk about it. I've joined a stuttering group on Facebook. I want to help people who stutter and let them know. It may not always be this way. You can work to control it. That way even if my son does struggle with what I went through , I will be there ready to help.
As I read back through parts of this I realize there is still parts I'm not saying, but I'm ok with it for now. I know "exposing" my real mentality on some things will take a lot of work. But hey it's a start