Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take
Let's take a breath, try to hold it inside
How can you know when you don't even try?
-Coldplay, What if?
I received the renewal invoice for my Allure magazine subscription today and I wondered if I am getting to the point where Im experiencing blackouts. What the hell am I reading this crap for? I chew my cuticles and wear jeans to bars so that I can shove my license and money in a pocket instead of carrying a purse! So I began to analyze my existence (isnt that the real purpose of cheesy womens magazines?) and came up with this summary. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
10 Things That Make Me Wonder if Im a Real Woman
1. I have absolutely no interest in what the seasons new fashion is or who designs what
2. I hate going shoe shopping. With a passion.
3. If Im eating in a restaurant, I dont give a shit how many calories or micro chasms of fat are in my meal. If it looks tasty, Im ordering it. Extra spicy.
4. New yogurt flavors dont excite me.
5. I dont want you to spend the night after sex. Seriously: get out.
6. I dont understand shrugs (either buy a whole sweater or dont wear one), work heels, fake nails, or flat irons. Professional pedicures seem like legalized sleep torture to me.
7. I secretly wish I could pee my name in the snow.
8. My perfect date would consist of a dinner of pizza or cheeseburgers (both with everything), sharing shots of tequila until we are silly, and wrestling (not watching it, doing it).
9. When I get road rage, I yell the filthiest language youve ever heard.
10. Ive imagined what it would be like to make out with each of my female friends on more than one occasion.
11. Id rather watch a church burn than attend another baby or wedding shower.
12. Ive never wanted Jennifer Anistons hair or husband, but Id tackle Angelina Jolie if I had the chance.
13. I obtain great satisfaction out of shooting the zombies in The House of the Dead arcade game.
14. I would have lost the masturbation contest on Seinfeld. Within hours of the bet.
15. I wish I could join Fight Club.
5 Things That Might Reassure Me that Im a Real Woman
1. I love having breasts, especially the ones God gave me.
2. I sob during emotional movies, particularly The Color Purple and Terms of Endearment. Im talking tissue box in my lap.
3. I am obsessed with my cats and feel no shame in it.
4. I love mens bodies: from their jaw lines, to their chests, to their hairy toes... And everything in between. Especially in between.
5. Sometimes I wish I was in love so much it hurts.
Hmmmm. No wonder I have more male friends than female.
PS: Congratulations to UnderFallingSky for his band winning the Valley Advocate Band Slam, Best Metal Band!
Now he will have even MORE ladies like me stalking him around Western Mass venues 
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take
Let's take a breath, try to hold it inside
How can you know when you don't even try?
-Coldplay, What if?
I received the renewal invoice for my Allure magazine subscription today and I wondered if I am getting to the point where Im experiencing blackouts. What the hell am I reading this crap for? I chew my cuticles and wear jeans to bars so that I can shove my license and money in a pocket instead of carrying a purse! So I began to analyze my existence (isnt that the real purpose of cheesy womens magazines?) and came up with this summary. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
10 Things That Make Me Wonder if Im a Real Woman
1. I have absolutely no interest in what the seasons new fashion is or who designs what
2. I hate going shoe shopping. With a passion.
3. If Im eating in a restaurant, I dont give a shit how many calories or micro chasms of fat are in my meal. If it looks tasty, Im ordering it. Extra spicy.
4. New yogurt flavors dont excite me.
5. I dont want you to spend the night after sex. Seriously: get out.
6. I dont understand shrugs (either buy a whole sweater or dont wear one), work heels, fake nails, or flat irons. Professional pedicures seem like legalized sleep torture to me.
7. I secretly wish I could pee my name in the snow.
8. My perfect date would consist of a dinner of pizza or cheeseburgers (both with everything), sharing shots of tequila until we are silly, and wrestling (not watching it, doing it).
9. When I get road rage, I yell the filthiest language youve ever heard.
10. Ive imagined what it would be like to make out with each of my female friends on more than one occasion.
11. Id rather watch a church burn than attend another baby or wedding shower.
12. Ive never wanted Jennifer Anistons hair or husband, but Id tackle Angelina Jolie if I had the chance.
13. I obtain great satisfaction out of shooting the zombies in The House of the Dead arcade game.
14. I would have lost the masturbation contest on Seinfeld. Within hours of the bet.
15. I wish I could join Fight Club.
5 Things That Might Reassure Me that Im a Real Woman
1. I love having breasts, especially the ones God gave me.
2. I sob during emotional movies, particularly The Color Purple and Terms of Endearment. Im talking tissue box in my lap.
3. I am obsessed with my cats and feel no shame in it.
4. I love mens bodies: from their jaw lines, to their chests, to their hairy toes... And everything in between. Especially in between.
5. Sometimes I wish I was in love so much it hurts.
Hmmmm. No wonder I have more male friends than female.
PS: Congratulations to UnderFallingSky for his band winning the Valley Advocate Band Slam, Best Metal Band!
Now he will have even MORE ladies like me stalking him around Western Mass venues VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
All of these things that keep you from being a "real woman" make you sound incredibly appealing as a fake one.
No readings or wooing just yet, I'm afraid - and the courtley love continues...