I've got issues just like everyone else.
Right now I feel like I deserve NOTHING.
Like I can't depend on anyone, even myself.
Right now I'm crying harder than I have in the past 8 months.
Today I realised I'm TERRIBLE.
There's no excuse for carelessness and I deserve every consequence that comes alone with my own stupidity, negelct, procrastination, and disrespect.
The only person that can change all that is myself, and.. I HAVE BEEN SUCKING AT THAT.
I feel like I owe things to people, like apologies and time that cannot be returned.
That time part really hurts the worst.
Some things I'll never know unless I talk to the people I am trying so hard to avoid, they're my only clue to the things that are really starting to matter.
It's funny how things are percieved so differently when you look at them on paper, see them in their physical, written state... like words you've only said and never had to write down. The way you see it all in your head, it changes a bit.
And the way it all makes you feel sick to your stomach, it is suddenly enhanced.
I'm throwing people away when all I want to do is get closer, when I all I want to do is know the truth.. know the things about my life that I'll never know unless I ask them.
I hung up on my mother tonight after she informed me she finally, and once and for all cannot get me that 5000$ that was left to me in my grandmothers will because her sister, phychobitch is withholding it and myself and my family is so poor we can't afford to do anything about such small amounts of money.
I didn't know what to say..
it all went something like this:
Teresa - Hello
Mom - Hello, what are you up to?
Teresa - Just going to bed... (lie)
Mom - Oh, well.. what's new?
Teresa - Nothing. (sounding uninteresed, as usual)
Mom - Well I'm just calling to tell you that I can't get it.
Teresa - Can't get what, mom? (sounding slightly aggrivated)
Mom - I've been trying and I just can't get it.
Teresa - The money?
Mom - Yeah.
Teresa - Oh. okay... so what am i supposed to do? (getting angry, staying calm, monotoned.)
Mom - Well I can't get it from her and I can't get any more money.
Teresa - Allright then... (drawn out and sounding accusitory and upset/angry/don't care)
Mom - Okay...
Teresa - Okay then..
*slowly hangs up the phone and starts to cry*
now, i know you all don't know the history to the story.. but, and.. well, you probably didn't read my entire sapstory, selfpity spiel anyways.. but..
I just feel sick with myself now.
There's a tasteful way to handle every situation, no matter the circumstances.. and, well..
i miss my nannie. i miss her so much.
-Teresa
Right now I feel like I deserve NOTHING.
Like I can't depend on anyone, even myself.
Right now I'm crying harder than I have in the past 8 months.
Today I realised I'm TERRIBLE.
There's no excuse for carelessness and I deserve every consequence that comes alone with my own stupidity, negelct, procrastination, and disrespect.
The only person that can change all that is myself, and.. I HAVE BEEN SUCKING AT THAT.
I feel like I owe things to people, like apologies and time that cannot be returned.
That time part really hurts the worst.
Some things I'll never know unless I talk to the people I am trying so hard to avoid, they're my only clue to the things that are really starting to matter.
It's funny how things are percieved so differently when you look at them on paper, see them in their physical, written state... like words you've only said and never had to write down. The way you see it all in your head, it changes a bit.
And the way it all makes you feel sick to your stomach, it is suddenly enhanced.
I'm throwing people away when all I want to do is get closer, when I all I want to do is know the truth.. know the things about my life that I'll never know unless I ask them.
I hung up on my mother tonight after she informed me she finally, and once and for all cannot get me that 5000$ that was left to me in my grandmothers will because her sister, phychobitch is withholding it and myself and my family is so poor we can't afford to do anything about such small amounts of money.
I didn't know what to say..
it all went something like this:
Teresa - Hello
Mom - Hello, what are you up to?
Teresa - Just going to bed... (lie)
Mom - Oh, well.. what's new?
Teresa - Nothing. (sounding uninteresed, as usual)
Mom - Well I'm just calling to tell you that I can't get it.
Teresa - Can't get what, mom? (sounding slightly aggrivated)
Mom - I've been trying and I just can't get it.
Teresa - The money?
Mom - Yeah.
Teresa - Oh. okay... so what am i supposed to do? (getting angry, staying calm, monotoned.)
Mom - Well I can't get it from her and I can't get any more money.
Teresa - Allright then... (drawn out and sounding accusitory and upset/angry/don't care)
Mom - Okay...
Teresa - Okay then..
*slowly hangs up the phone and starts to cry*
now, i know you all don't know the history to the story.. but, and.. well, you probably didn't read my entire sapstory, selfpity spiel anyways.. but..
I just feel sick with myself now.
There's a tasteful way to handle every situation, no matter the circumstances.. and, well..
i miss my nannie. i miss her so much.
-Teresa
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
We all got much love for ya girl.
So big rib cage bustin hugs from your boy TK.
TEAGAN AND SARAH YO!
Now that is going to be the bomb!
Your friendly neighborhood teddykev
I can't really say much regarding your situation, because I don't know the whole story... but, I understand what it's like to not have enough money, ever. It sucks. Not being able to afford necessities for one's family is an awful experience... especially when money is available, that is, available if it were not being withheld. I hope your aunt comes to her senses and realizes she should give your family the money.
Hope things get better.