teresaannamae

I'm useless against me.

I like to avoid.
Try on a face
You have never seen.

I like to hide.
Know where I stand
So I'm set to be found.

I like to cry
And picture death.
There's the bridge...
Let the water caress.



Turmoil.
I don't think when I'm chewing.
Eating = avoidance.
I really want to avoid everything.. I really want something new. Not something material. I want something valid, something I can feel within me and not on my skin. Something I can call upon anytime and remember... I want something to occupy me, something I can obsess over, something to look forward to. Something certain, something sure.
I hate uncertanties and depending on others. I can't depend on myself so how can I possibly depend on others? I lost all trust I have for myself a year ago next week. A fucking year. I can't believe that. I feel sick and I hate my home. The corners are dirty and I can't get them clean. The linolium in the bathroom is ugly and i hate the trashy flowers on the wall. The green in the kitchen is putrid and there is no ceiling light in the giant living room. I broke my TV remote in a fit of rage years ago.. and I can't open the window in the living room because it's ground level and there's no screen. I can't open the one in the kitchen because it's surrounded in bushes and plants and it brings bugs in and I can't open the one in my bedroom because cats pee outside of it. It smells. No wonder the rent is only 650$.

I'm breathing deeply.
Listening to Dashboard and Brighteyes. I want a room full of pillows, darkness, and depressing music.

I must enjoy all thie negativity. But my misery certainly does not love company.

I know nobody likes a child who complains, but if I don't get this out here.. I never will. So, I don't expect anyone to read it.. I just needed to talk to myself on a screen. I can't do it on paper anymore, isn't that sad?


Teresa