tequilaraymax

[Music: Clinic - Distortions]

God, I love this song. One of the best songs ever written/performed by people.

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I had more physio today. The last time, which was the first time, we really got on. She was friendly, fun. She tested my reflexes again and again. She said she kept doing it because it made her laugh.

Last time I was sweaty from rushing to make my appointment. This time, I made an effort to be clean and tidy, but I was still sweaty when I got there. It made me uncomfortable. I couldn't make the same connection with her this time for the first half of the session because I felt bad. We smiled by the end though.

She double booked my next appointment, so she's staying late just to see me. Nothings going to happen. But... there's a kind of interaction going on that I haven't shared with someone in a while.

And it's nice.

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I, retardicus. Still chasing the same promises I made myself years ago. Hahahahahahah. I'm such a fuck up. Such a lazy stupid fuck up.

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I saw Waking Life the other night. It was fantastic. It came at a good time. It's making me see everything differently. I tried to reach lucidity the night I saw it, laying in bed, and I got there, again and again. But, the world in which I was waking, in lucid dreams, was awful. Terrifying. I kept having to pull myself out of it, and try again. But nothng better came. I've wondered if this whole world is a facade. I know now it is.

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I'm getting less and less effect from the codeine I take almost daily to ease the pain. I'm on the most strength available save for heavy duty prescription, and it's only just cutting in. Worse than that, my stomach is in sporadic agony for taking it too much. When they come, the gripes are more present than the blanket of numbness I take them for in the first place. It's becoming expensive beyond merely fiscal concerns to keep doing this. But it keeps me holding on. maybe it's worthwhile.

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Here are some freebie mp3's of The October Country, if anybodies interested:

Smack Accident

Mizuko

Alfredo Garcia's Head

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I am lost in a sea of emotional retardation on the part of my fellow man. I need, and I hate to say this, more sophistication from the people I surround myself with. Someone to stir me, mentally. MAybe I need to close some doors again.

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I miss my family, and I'm a lousy son.

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I am going to finish a song 4 months in the waiting soon. I will write lyrically about something other than initially made me write the music. This has been the hurdle. I already wrote one song about this, and there's so much more I want to say.

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I love my new hair. In lieu of a camera, I'm going to maybe prepare some sketches to demonstrate. Me being vain makes me laugh at myself from afar.

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I feel like I can take my whole world and crush it into something better.

This I might do soon.