temptfaith

falling apart again. it comes, and it goes. yesterday, i spent my day driving to michigan. i had no desire to head there, but, thanks to a poverty stricken month, i head where the work is. the drive was relatively good. i don't really like driving, but this was okay. i put in earplugs to drown out the road noise and the sound of the car. then i put in a bunch of CDs. i listened to Lycia and Sigur Ros. those bands were appropriate for the winter desolation. there is nothing to see from major highways in southern michigan. the barren trees and the snow were an improvement on its inherent nothingness. it was the best i felt all day.

i fantasized about continuing to travel, ignoring my obligations, never returning home.

last night, i went to sleep in my swanky hotel sickened by the smell of the bulgari soap on my hands and the total lack of humidity. i had a dream with suicide girls in it, specifically quinne and ember. how strange to dream of people that i've never met but have seen pictures of and read about. ember was funny, goofy, gorgeous. quinne was also beautiful but a little more unglued and wild. we were all at a party. that should have been the major indication that it was a dream: not that beautiful women were present but that i was willingly at a party.

i'm a social retard. why would i go to a party? i'd be there thinking about bills to pay, work related projects, things related to sound. the last party my wife took me to i was almost in tears with how loud everyone talked and how NO ONE LISTENED. i felt so schizophrenic listening to seven people yelling about disparate topics. i just wanted to leave.

i still do.