tegan

its a sad day when you wake up and realise that you are at the disposal of everyone around you. you are nothing more than a thorn in someone's ass which ocasionally makes them feel good.

when you realise, that for a year of your life... you have done absolutely nothing to better yourself but maybe earned some life experience and saw some sights.

when someone say's 'let's go be gypsy's' and without thinking... i say that i already am. me, a gypsy.

i woke up this morning not knowing where i was... or what i was going to do. i walked for about 6 blocks and found myself infront of my friends door at 8.30am wondering if i should knock or not. i decided to wait until a decent hour... and by 9.30 i was sweaty, tired and in one of the wierdest moods i think i've ever been in.

my life is in the hands of everyone around me... and aparenlty im not supposed to worry about these things. im not supposed to think im a burden or an inconvinence but, i cant help it. im a paranoid person... funny how i havent known my friend for so long... but he knows me. am i that easy to read? i hope not.

i fall in love with cities... because i love the idea of falling in love and im too afraid to fall in love with people. at least i've gotten to the point where i dont run and hide from people anymore as soon as the word 'relationship' comes into play. thats an acomplishment right?

i keep coming up with all these insane idea's about what im going to do with my life... east coast, toronto, back to l.a, san deigo, san francisco, portland... i am the most unorganized, aloof person i know. its rediculous sometimes, really. i thought maybe at 8.30 this morning my head was clear and i had made a decision that i was sure of... but of course i felt differnetly when i woke up at 5pm.

sometimes i get these images in my head of all the crazy things i've done... i imagine that scene from forrest gump where 'jenny' is the coke addict, standing at the top of a balcony in her black heels looking like the most beautiful & fucked up girl in the world... i imagine that that is me... because i've done that. though i never had intentions of killing myself.

i imagine scenes from books that i've read... movies that i've seen... about all these crazy adventures and how everything works out in the end. i need to remind myself that when its all over... its going to be ok.

here i am pooring my insanity onto one of my best friends who i havent seen since san francisco... who i left for a jackass who fucked me over in the end anyway... i need to be with her... she will make it alright for me... i know she will, i can feel it. i will meet her in her 'city of roses'. she will take care of me.

im going to try to take my friends advice, and not care what people think of me, and tell them to let me know when i am becoming a burden, because i really never want to be that person. i never want to take money from someone for nothing, i never want to stop someone from doing something that they want to do... i never want anyone to be mad at me either, but i guess thats kind of inevitable.

well... i guess its time to go to sleep now? if i even know what that is anymore. i've been a zombie for a couple of weeks now, cant really determin what is a dream and what isent. i suppose it makes life more interesting... but i dont know how much more interesting i want it to be...


xo.
t.