tedbedlam

Arrested again. HAlfway bullshit. Halfway not. I am so full of negative thoughts only speaking in spanish limits my expressiveness to the point where I can say mainly nice things. I used it a lot in the jail cells. I think I would survive okay in prison, maybe. I'm also a very pretty man. I have decided to quit smoking as an act of attrition towards my father. Perhaps if he sees the lack of positive change (the fact that I can't eat solid food now without vomiting, my emotional swings, depression, etc.) with the presence of positive action he will realize he is a dumbass when it comes to what he calls "dope". There is a reason I smoke and its not just for fun. I have become disturbingly more secure in my thoughts of suicide as of late. It just seems to makes sense. A lifetime is a lifetime whether short or long. I am not happy here and its coming to be that "here" means "reality" and that all the parts of me that are needed in order to function went bye-bye leaving a bullet-shaped pocket in the center of my brain. This is not a cry for help. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I am also beridden with a near Catholic-level sense of guilt. Not like that would be a problem with a corpse having no thoughts and all but I can't let people down that way, especially my family. It's not like I'm doing anything all that special but I can't hurt my mom that way though I think my brother and sister could take it with a grain of salt. My dad, of course, would be drunk or dead of drink as a result but not directly as he's been working on it for quite a few years. Pathetic is a great word when you think about it. Root word being pathos - feeling (pathology, pathogen, etc.) the subject being able to draw out feeling from the observer. It seems like it would have been almost a compliment being that it causes your heart to move one way or another. Gradually, I am learning the feeling of feeling nothing. I empathize but cannot relate. Thus I speak in spanish to people I could never really relate to if for nothing else than a lack of vocabulary. Doot doot doot dee doo. Things will be fine.