tedbedlam

Things are as surreal as ever recently; phone calls in the AM for little more than a forgotten eight dollar bill I don't owe and not quite cute girls with greed in their eyes looking at my dick for something other than. I am doing right and feeling wrong, my head feels like it bursts. I will never get laid appreciating honesty and beauty, they never come together. That's the fun of the thing. I have seen things even tonight people would pay to see vicarious. My eyes are unique and I value them highly. Perhaps my worth as an observer is not underestimated, my paticular defects are become my original assets. I would really like someone to be attracted to me notwithstanding my bullshit. But he beauty of trust is you never really have it so on with the fun for the fun.

I enjoy showers. Feeling the water pour over me like a blanket boiling or freezing my core respective. Under and behind the curtain I forget myself. My body disappears. My soul lives outside of myself and asks myself "T.O., are you okay?". Sometimes there is an answer is; never yes is never no. Sometimes I remind me I am there. I assure myself this is what other people must do every day, too just to survive. Perhaps I am just pretending to be human.