tecumseh1981

Wow it has been awhile since I wrote anything. I want to write more as it is a great escape.

Anyways Jenny is playing with my emotions and I am really hurt. I should have known this would happen. I am constantly doubting her and she keeps reinforcing my doubts by her actions and words. I am tired of these fucking games. My heart is being broken. And I am glad. I am tired of being her crutch whenver she is low. I am planning on leaving her behind as soon as she gives me the rest of the money I loaned her. I am going to focus on me. I realized that she is just using me. She maybe doing it intentionally but I dont think so. I think it is a subconscious issue.

The counselor I am seeing suggested that perhaps she likes knowing that somewhere there is a guy she can run to and who will go out of his way for her no matter what. She also thinks that Jenny may hate herself and cannot be with someone who cares for her so she tries to force them to hate her. She also suggessted that Jenny "gets" me. Meaning that she knows she can walk all over me and that I will allow it. And that she knows how far she can push me so she does it.

See the other night we were talking and she mentioned her new "special friend". The way she did it was what made me so hurt. She said it in such a way so that it was only polite to ask as she mentioned him a few times. I tried to pretend that it did not bother me but I am not very good at hiding my feelings when it comes to her. And she knew she pushed my buttons. She said that it was impossible for us to have a relationship since I was far away (but she could have one with her ex-fiance who was in Iraq for a year), and that I did not want to come visit her. I did ask her to come visit me only because it would be nice to show her around as she said she was interested in coming to school here at one of the other colleges in town. And she forgot to mention that I asked her if I could come up and take her out for Valentines day. But I know she will say that she was in the hospital but I asked her before she was in the hospital. Her reply was that she was not ready for the stresses of Valentines day and could not pursue any sort of romantic thing. Whether it be a relationship or just a simple date for the night. However she is alright with it a week later and talking about this new guy and how sweet he is.

Now I noticed these contradictions and a few outright lies. This makes me feel like shit. On Saturday night we were talking and I asked her if she could call but her father was on the phone is why she said she could not call me. However about 15 minutes later she dissapeared. I figured it was my laptop as it is been acting up or her PC or whatever. I went for a walk and talked to Nate, this is at about 3 in the AM. So I come back on her reply was "sorry I was on the phone". Maybe her dad was on the phone but she could have called me after he got off. I suspect she was lying. The night before that we were talking and she was saying that she did not feel like talking. When I IMed her goodnight she replied on the wrong screen with HAHAHAHA. Since there was nothing funny about our conversation I can only assume she was talking to someone else. Now I know I could be wrong but I dont think so. I asked her if she could call me today but she had a migraine and was going to lay down. Well thats not true. She was online for a few hours off and on again. I did tell her when she felt beeter to call me and she snapped at me. She apologized for being cranky.

So in response I must cut her out. I want to give her an ultimatum, love me or let me go. But I am not sure that is a good idea. I would rather be rid of her and the feelings I have for her. I did love her but now I am not sure I do. She has hurt me one to many times and I no longer want to stand for it. So hopefully she reads this, I did give her the address, and she realizes that I am tired of feeling like shit because of how she treats me.

Let some other motherfucker loan her money when she has nobody else to call, let someone else be her shoulder to cry on, and to support her emotionally when the rest of the world doubts her. I can not put her feelings ahead of mine anymore. It would be different if she did the same but she will not. I am so tired of listening to her make excuses about shit and how wonderful a person she is for everyone she loves. I used to hear her tell me how much she did for her exs and how shitty they treated her. Well she treated me shitty and I realize it. Just as she did I realized that all the advice I had given her is exactly what I should do.

So I guess I am going to tell her that I cant be her friend. Maybe in a few years but I dont have time and the patience to let her play with my heart. Let her new special friend take care of her. Let him listen to her problems and console her for the fact that life dealt her a shitty hand. Let him loan her money when she cant ask her dad because he wont trust her and will throw her out because she made a bad choice. Let him worry about her when she is in the hospital. Let him be the one she complains to when he breaks her heart. Cause I listened to it all from her and I did nothing but give my love and affection.

I am through with it. I am going to focus on Jovan now. I will become the man I wish to be. No more will I let her control my thoughts or my heart.

I have my dream that I must follow and she can do nothing but hold me back. I will give her an ultimatum when we next talk. Right now I just want the rest of the money she owes me. But afterwards I will give her the ultimatum...

Love me or I am leaving. I cant take it anymore. I suspect she will give me all kinds of excuses and lie to me. I probably should not give her a choice and just bail out now but I still have mixed feelings in my heart.