tecumseh1981

Well school is going well. I am enjoying it here. The classes are harder than I expected. Especially my Sociology 206, Social Inquiry. The teacher is constantly giving us papers to write and has us print every handout he assings us on our own. The class is going to be my hardest class yet. I dont think I have taken a harder class in college. It is frustrating to be so worried about it. I am falling behind in my reading. I have so much to do and I have to work as well. I work 3-4 nights a week but it sucks. I want to be able to catch up this weekend but I have to work. I only work 3-4 shifts but it cuts into the middle of my day.

Jenny... well things are going well I guess. She broke up with her fiance for good. I guess he was a real big asshole to her and really pissed her off the other day. She swears up and down that it is over. She wanted to try and maintain a friendship with him but I guess he blew it and she realized she has had enough of him.

I cant say that I am upset over this turn of events. I guess part of it is my own fears of losing her friendship yet again or losing her altogether. She really means the world to me and I wish to be more than friends with her. I think she is a lot more receptive to the idea as she realized that I do care about her very much. My world is a lot brighter with her in it. And I have told her this many times.

She needed some money to pay off her insurance off otherwise she would lose it. It was not much in the longrun, $180.00, so I loaned it to her. She can keep it for all I care because I would rather know she is ok and safe than worry about money. Money has always come and will always go with me. That is life. I cannot change it.

I guess I kind of panicked and let my fears get the worst of me. I am afraid I accused her of using me unintentionally. I am just so afraid of getting hurt. And she offered to return the money if it would be something that would come between us. I talked with her on the phone this morning and everything is ok now.

We are not dating which is a good thing and a bad thing. I think it would be great if we were in a relationship as more than just close friends but I can plainly see that she is not ready to just jump back into any sort of relationship beyond a few casual dates. She did say that we could go on a few dates (as in official dates not just hang out) and see where it goes. Thats more progress than I have ever made with her so I am willing to take a bone when I am offered one. Either way were friends and that is still important.

It just seems that something always comes between us at some point and we lose contact. I dont want that anymore as I am getting lonelier and lonelier as time goes on. I want to start the next stage in my life. I want to start to settle down and start a family. I want a real job and a normal life. This is becoming the driving goal in my life. I think it truly maybe a biological one as I never really cared about this sort of thing until more recently. Since I started school pretty much. I always said that if I could not have those things I was going to lead an exciting life. And that is still the plan but nonetheless I would not mind being a normal man.

Either way I still want to see her badly. And I think she feels the same as she keeps implying that I should go see her. She is unable to leave because of her disability. I know she is going to have surgery within the next month but I dont know exactly when. So I will try to figure out what is going on. I would like to be there for her when she comes out as she mentioned that idea. And sad or bad as this may sound but any excuse to see her is good enough for me. If I cant I know she will understand and she knows that I want to see her.

In other news...I broke down over the phone with her the other night when I started to talk about my good buddy Mikey. And I suspect I am going to cry now as I type this. He is going to boot camp on Febuary 23rd. THis bootcamp is not a military run bootcamp but an Illinois Department of Corrections bootcamp. He will be a felon after completion of it. This is in response to him assaulting the police officer, fleeing arrest, and a traffic violation. I can make excuses but he fucked up. However I really understand his motivation and why he did what he did. He was tired of life just fucking with him and the cops fucking with him simply because of his last name and the fact he drives shitty cars. But I wont get into it right now.

He doesnt deserve to be fucked for life. Of all the people in this world who dont deserve this, well he is the guy. His brothers sure, why not? Mikey no fucking way. I feel so badly because he is like my brother. And I love him. He is my brother in everysense of the word. I cant believe that he is going away for 4 months. I am just afraid that since he will be locked up with people who are a lot worse, in the sense of their actions and motivations for breaking the law, that Mikey will change into something he is not. I am just afraid that he will grow bitter or worse and take a turn for the worse. As of right now he is innocent and still a good kid. I just dont want him to lose that. It terrifies me very much because he doesnt deserve the way life just shit on him.

I guess things like this are why I have so much trouble believing in God. It doesnt seem like there is any justice anymore. Mikey didnt deserve the way his friends fucked him over, or to be thrown out of his house at 17. He didnt deserve to have a mom who is fucking crazy. He didnt deserve the way people treated him and the bullshit his supposed friends did to him one night. He realized that he aint got many friends and he realized who they are.

Anyways I got my iPod. I am so excited. I have started loading music into it.

I am off to bed.

Cheers.

Tecumseh