Well Jenny is still with her fiance. Even though he is a huge asshole according to her. She said he might be going back to Iraq and she feels sorry for him. We were talking this morning cause she wanted me to delete a sexual comment on her myspace page because her grandma might see it since everyone is wishing her a happy birthday.
I kind of shook it off but I was really hurt. I felt so rejected right then and there. I changed my myspace page to Sepphiroth entering the fire and the song to American Nightmares Protest Song. I just feel so lonely right now. I dont understand how she can sit there and talk to me about somethings and joke around about sleeping together when she is with someone else. And to sit there telling me how much of an asshole he is really is confusing me. If someone is abusive to you and makes you feel like shit then you should leave them. It is simple as that. But she dont want to see it that way, and is going to give this guy another chance. But she says she still wants to stay close and keep our friendship strong.
This is tearing me apart inside. I want her in my life so badly as nobody else seems to make me happy like she does. Yet how can I be happy when she is with someone else who dont treat her right. It really is hard to sit there and want someone so badly only to watch them go for someone who does not seem to care about them.
The other day we were talking and she mentioned an old Alfred Lord Tennyson quote (I believed at first it was Shakespeare). The quote wass "Tis better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all." She disagreed with the quote because she says she would not feel so devastated. I had to bite my tongue to keep from wanting to scream. I wanted to tell her how torn apart I am becoming. I feel so alone and yet I feel happy when we are talking. I am so tired of feeling empty everyday. I cant go back to that since I realized something. A life that is only going to be full of pain, hatred, emptiness, and loneliness is really not worth living. I have felt so down about life for so long and I really dont want to go on anymore.
When she said that stupid quote I wanted to cry. All I could think about was how wrong she was. What is it like to love someone and have them return that love? To wake up to someone you love everyday? To be by their side during the good and the bad times? To have them by your side during the good and the bad? To know that the love you give will be returned? To have someone to come home to? To have someone miss you when your gone? To have someone want you around? To be needed? To be loved? Those are things I have never known. And things I wanted her to help me find the answers to. I really did and still do.
If I could at least know some joy then perhaps my life will have been fulfilled at one point. But to always wonder about things that you can never find the answers to will eat you alive. I am going to keep my mouth shut about it to her but I feel so hurt. Why would she go back to someone who doesnt care about her? And why does she say some of the things she does to me? Telling me how sweet I am and how wonderful I am. How any woman would be so lucky to have me... but then when I tell her I want her she rejects me. It hurts and confuses me because I love to hear those things but then I find they are not true. And she is the one who proves them false.
I just feel like shit right now. I deleted a lot of the comments on her myspace page. Ones I had made over the past week or so. I just wanted to tell her that she tore my fucking heart out this morning. And she didnt even realize it. I asked her if she would still be my Valentine and she said she didnt know. But that she would buy her own ticket to the Kill Hannah show. I could care less about the fucking ticket. Its her company and her being my date that are important to me. I dont have money, well not a lot, but I dont care. I would rather be broke and with her than rich and with anyone else.
I just feel so shitty now. The good news is I got $5800 or so for my Refund check. I am going to make it last for the semester and part of the summer. In the end though I just want to sleep forever. I really do. Life has grown a lot darker again. I dont want to talk to her on the phone because when she says she loves me it feels like it is meaningless. I said it first because the way she was acting made me think that she just might. But now I am not so sure. Why did I let her back into my life? I am so glad she is back but at the same time I am being torn apart again. I dont know what to think anymore.
I am off to nap and wish for better times.
Cheers.
Tecumseh
I kind of shook it off but I was really hurt. I felt so rejected right then and there. I changed my myspace page to Sepphiroth entering the fire and the song to American Nightmares Protest Song. I just feel so lonely right now. I dont understand how she can sit there and talk to me about somethings and joke around about sleeping together when she is with someone else. And to sit there telling me how much of an asshole he is really is confusing me. If someone is abusive to you and makes you feel like shit then you should leave them. It is simple as that. But she dont want to see it that way, and is going to give this guy another chance. But she says she still wants to stay close and keep our friendship strong.
This is tearing me apart inside. I want her in my life so badly as nobody else seems to make me happy like she does. Yet how can I be happy when she is with someone else who dont treat her right. It really is hard to sit there and want someone so badly only to watch them go for someone who does not seem to care about them.
The other day we were talking and she mentioned an old Alfred Lord Tennyson quote (I believed at first it was Shakespeare). The quote wass "Tis better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all." She disagreed with the quote because she says she would not feel so devastated. I had to bite my tongue to keep from wanting to scream. I wanted to tell her how torn apart I am becoming. I feel so alone and yet I feel happy when we are talking. I am so tired of feeling empty everyday. I cant go back to that since I realized something. A life that is only going to be full of pain, hatred, emptiness, and loneliness is really not worth living. I have felt so down about life for so long and I really dont want to go on anymore.
When she said that stupid quote I wanted to cry. All I could think about was how wrong she was. What is it like to love someone and have them return that love? To wake up to someone you love everyday? To be by their side during the good and the bad times? To have them by your side during the good and the bad? To know that the love you give will be returned? To have someone to come home to? To have someone miss you when your gone? To have someone want you around? To be needed? To be loved? Those are things I have never known. And things I wanted her to help me find the answers to. I really did and still do.
If I could at least know some joy then perhaps my life will have been fulfilled at one point. But to always wonder about things that you can never find the answers to will eat you alive. I am going to keep my mouth shut about it to her but I feel so hurt. Why would she go back to someone who doesnt care about her? And why does she say some of the things she does to me? Telling me how sweet I am and how wonderful I am. How any woman would be so lucky to have me... but then when I tell her I want her she rejects me. It hurts and confuses me because I love to hear those things but then I find they are not true. And she is the one who proves them false.
I just feel like shit right now. I deleted a lot of the comments on her myspace page. Ones I had made over the past week or so. I just wanted to tell her that she tore my fucking heart out this morning. And she didnt even realize it. I asked her if she would still be my Valentine and she said she didnt know. But that she would buy her own ticket to the Kill Hannah show. I could care less about the fucking ticket. Its her company and her being my date that are important to me. I dont have money, well not a lot, but I dont care. I would rather be broke and with her than rich and with anyone else.
I just feel so shitty now. The good news is I got $5800 or so for my Refund check. I am going to make it last for the semester and part of the summer. In the end though I just want to sleep forever. I really do. Life has grown a lot darker again. I dont want to talk to her on the phone because when she says she loves me it feels like it is meaningless. I said it first because the way she was acting made me think that she just might. But now I am not so sure. Why did I let her back into my life? I am so glad she is back but at the same time I am being torn apart again. I dont know what to think anymore.
I am off to nap and wish for better times.
Cheers.
Tecumseh
Let me know and I can tell you what spot you were playing.