tecumseh1981

Still nothing. Dana left me a message on Myspace to meet her for coffee tonight. So perhaps all is well. And to top it off today is my mothers birthday. I am not sure what to get her but I am thinking a cell phone. I know she needs one badly. I really do appreciate how much her and my dad have been in my corner as of late. I know they have been fighting a lot lately as my dad is somewhat crazy but they have managed to keep their affairs private.

Now I am hoping to go out with Dana very much tonight but as always I am nervous. She is gorgeous and I always imagine the worst. I feel bad as if I am going behind Johns back but nonetheless I am desperate for friends right now. As it stands I dont really have any and my desire to leave this fucking place gets stronger everyday. I cannot wait to escape it but until then I will try to enjoy myself. I am afraid that I will be there and John will walk in and see me hitting on his ex-wife or something along those lines. Its probably just my mind imagining bad things but I cannot help it. Its just Murphys Law.

Anyway Sieg posted a blog about hunting. He wrote about how much he missed it and enjoyed it. Getting up early, getting dressed for "balls in your stomach" cold weather, that first cup of coffeem and walking the fields looking for grouse and other game. Then sitting around the fire talking with your friends about life, girls, and guy things. Pouring your heart out and the whole male bonding thing sounds very nice. I cant really remember the last time me and my friends just sat around and really talked about deep things. He said that when I get to WA we would definately have to go because it would totally be something I am into. I honestly want to leave and head west now. I am so sick of the world over here and am getting desperate for a chance to start over with life and things.

I am wondering what will happen in two or three months. Will I get to leave and go to Seattle? Or will i be stuck here in IL? Or do I end up in Philadelphia? I really do not know but I want to desperately leave and start over.

I keep saying that but I do not seem to be getting anywhere with it. I hope that I can get my life back on track. I need to start dieting again, start seriously looking for some sort of job, and to just get my spirits up. I am very down lately and am not able to funcition as I used to. My depression is getting worse. I dont know how to describe it but I feel totally helpless and lost.

Well perhaps I will speak my mind to Dana tonight and things will turn upward for me. She will say she loves me and move to Washington with me. Its only a delusional fantasy but a man needs a dream. Either way I hope that life will turn out better for me somehow. Speaking of Dana I have to apply to UIC still and go through that hassle.

Well I am off to bed as it is late and I should sleep. I want to return to a normal schedule but am not really working towards it as I have no motivation.