teclo

"i'm tryin, i'm tryin to ..."
- modest mouse

that lyric has been going through my head for a week, as i am trying to figure out where i stand. this happens once or twice a year, when i sit alone and try and figure out what i am doing, where i am going, what i should be doing and where i should be going.

i want change, i want difference, i want new and exciting and to get the hell out of inertia and have my world turned around.

i would like to get the tattoo i've bee thinking about. i would like to have the haircut i want. i would like to be the good yogi.

at these times in my life usually changes with declarations :::
i will not drink soda anymore!
i will not wear jeans anymore!
i will not eat meat anymore!
i will lose weight / wear makeup / dress better / and other superficialities!

i annoy myself with my own vanity, my own need to look good for any reason whatsoever. and i annoy myself with my self-inflicted depressive states when i find i am not as attractive to myself (and thus others, so i believe) as i thought i was.