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techno_ballerina

South city St. Louis...represent!

Member Since 2004

Followers 61 Following 50

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Wednesday Jan 19, 2005

Jan 18, 2005
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I've a ramble under my skin.

I keep on seeing pictures of broken noses and cuts and bruises in various albums on the site. I even left the "self mutilation" group because I thought I would find people to share healing techniques, but all I got were messed up kids discussing cutting like you would a Sunday night football game, and they all had pics, too. It really does disturb me, in a serious way. I used to be a cutter. I did it every day. I wore long sleeves for years, even at home. Even now, when you can barely see the scars, I still wear them. Out of habit. I got so used to wearing long shirts because I got so fucking sick of people asking what the bloody gauze was on my arm. "Oh...just my cat." or "Yeah, I just moved and I slid the box cutter too far". So WHY THE FUCK are people putting their bloody arms and legs & body all over the Internet? Why are you so proud that you obviously have a problem? The marks on my arms are not battle scars. I didn't battle anything. In fact, I hate them because they show of a time when I was EXTREMELY weak. And the people I hurt in my life due to my habit goes further than any scar. I lost friends and boyfriends, I cried myself to sleep every night, then promptly grabbed my razor because it would help me sleep.

Cutting doesn't make you emo or goth. It'll make you look pathetic. If you have that problem, see a doctor. Cover your cuts. But by all means, don't be proud of them. I'm not proud of mine. It'll be a whole year, as of March; the longest time I've ever gone. I lasted nine months last time, and I was so giddy.

Statistics show that 1/4 females self harm due to emotional or sexual abuse. Half of those girls self abuse well into their late twenties. I have been told it's something you grow out of. It's not. I'll battle it every day. Sometimes more than others, but it'll always be there. I won't be that half.

</end rant>
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
sugarpill:
I hear you. I hear you.

I was in the self-mutilation group for a while, too. It wasn't doing me any good. That was a long time ago. I have scars now that have not faded in almost 10 years. I used to tell myself that I was proud of them. But for the last few years I've started thinking... these aren't anything to be proud of. I didn't "struggle" through anything. I wallowed in it. That was very stupid of me.

But I have them and they are not going away. So while they may not mean that I've survived something difficult, they do mean I've survived my own idiocy. They mean I've survived my own ego-centricism, my own self-absorption, my own self-destructive narcissism. I survived my own weakness, as you say, and therefore I have survive myself. On one hand, I was so fucking dumb, and on the other hand, that me didn't win.

And that was way more personal than I usually get with my friends over drinks at 3am.
Jan 19, 2005
wynne:
Hallelujiah to that from another former cutter, sister. Hearts.

I'm adding you because you rock with that post, and I live in Kansas City. smile
Jan 20, 2005

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