tay0608

Today was one of those days where I felt like everytime I opened my mouth the wrong thing came out of it. I guess all the stress and pressure I have been feeling for the last 11 months finally came to a head. I found out today that my mom had to go to the hospital yesterday morning. At 5 AM she was hemorrhaging. I didn't call her for one day and when I did she told me about it...and she made me feel guilty because I missed a day of calling. My roommate/best friend and I have been fighting a lot lately. He basically feels like I don't appreciate all the things he has done for me over the 15 years of our friendship. I don't know how to make him feel otherwise. Maybe sometimes I have a hard time expressing the gratitude I really do feel. He's been under a lot of pressure and taking some of it on me, but I have been having more than my fair share of bullshit to deal with lately. He also told me that when he gets married and whatnot, which might be soon, he doesn't see us still being friends. That's a weird thing to say to someone. Apparently he feels like that when you have a wife and kids you leave your friends behind. He's been my best friend for over half my life. I don't even know how to respond to that. And then there's the academy. That starts Monday. I am fucking terrified. What if I can't take the stress? What if I am not mentally or physically as strong as I hope I am? I have every egg in that one basket and it's going to be so fucking hard. All this past week we have been running around doing all this stuff to get ready for it...orientation, random bs with my Sgt, the range...now it all comes to a head. Monday. 0700. I am fucking terrified. I feel like time is moving so fast and then the next 4 months will be so long. And then there's my total and complete lack of that special someone...that person that is there for you and helps remind you that you can do anything. That person who just makes you feel better when you can hear them breathing in the night next to you. I have been missing that a lot lately. After my last relationship I really wanted a break from it all..I wanted to go out, have fun, do my own thing. But lately. Goddamn. I miss it. I wish I had that person to lean on, to talk to about anything. Juli tells me all the time that I can talk to her about anything, and I do. But it's not the same as feeling someone's heart beat with yours. I feel like with all this shit I am trying to deal with, it's just making me extra lonely.
And Juli..today we had this situation and because of everything I am trying to deal with I handled it badly. I overreacted, didn't think before I opened my mouth. I hurt her feelings and I never meant to do that at all. For whatever reason, she entered my life and became such a big part of it so quickly. I've felt completely fucked up all day because of what happened earlier. It was the first time we ever had a situation like that and the way I reacted made her question who she thought I was. She compared me unfavorably to someone else in her life that i am not fond of. I dunno. I feel like I let her down and I hate that. I just feel like a fucking train wreck all the time lately and she has been a constant little shining star in my life and I am afraid that she may have dimmed a little because of what I did.

I don't know what's going on with me lately. My head is totally fucked. I am terrified about Monday. Scared for my parents health. Scared that I won't ever find someone again who makes me feel like a better version of myself, or anyone like that who is single anyway. I am scared that I have not become who I was meant to be. That my 27 years on this planet has been for nothing. That when it's all said and done I didn't make a difference. I had so much potential.

Fuck.

This is really depressing and I am not sure why I am even writing. I think partly because I don't think anyone on here really reads this. I've been saying it for months, I just want to be happy.

On the small plus side, I discovered today that I love the new Kings of Leon. The vocals remind me of old Journey or something, but I am obsessed with "Sex on Fire" and "Use Somebody".

And now, for some pictures:
I had to shave my head for the academy, I feel like Kojack in this picture:


And here are a few pictures I did for a shoot on Thurs. These girls are hotttt




I guess I should try to get some sleep. I saw "7 Pounds" tonight. Good, but definitely depressing.
Lastly, I will leave you some lyrics from Brand New. I have been listening to this album nonstop for the last 2 weeks. Every line hits home.

The time has come for colds and overcoats
We're quiet on the ride,
we're all just waiting to get home
Another week away, my greatest fear
I need the smell of summer,
I need its noises in my ears

If looks could really kill,
then my profession would staring
Please know we do this cause we care,
not for the thrill
Collect calls to home
to tell them that I realize
that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone

Every minute is a mile
I've never felt so hollow
I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles