tatian

Fibromyalgia sucks talk about painful. I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy (or maybe i would, lol, among other things)... I woke up today and my legs especially were just killing me. ::sobbs:: I don't understand this shit...

It's so confusing... I was doing really good for a while and I thought that maybe I was misdiagnosed... but to my dismay, no they were probably right.. I dunno what else this pain could be. There was a brief discussion of MS, but I'm not even gonna contemplate that option until i have insurance to get checked for it.

I have enough stress as it is...

And the blacking out thing is tripping me out. I don't like that I can not remember a whole ten minute (plus) conversation with my ex... it is really really scary. We was telling me the other day how when I was on the phone with him how I was saying that i was hurting really bad and how it sounded like i was in really bad pain...

and Javier too - said the same basic thing...

SIGH... I have to wonder what i did to deserve this shit. I can think of ten million other ppl who would actually deserve this lame shit, not me pout... I feel very depressed today. I spent a good chunk of the day in and out of bed. There is no reason to get up and do anything... the apartment is practically emaculate and there is nothing really, to do... no one to talk to to, no where to go...

I am lonely. But at the same time, I feel "free"... free and lonely. HA!

oh well.

this is what i get for wanting to be alone. right?

depression, achy legs and over all body pain, and lonliness.

"Chris isn't here to save me anymore"

bah. I don't "NEED" anyone... but life without ppl in general, is no life at all... truth is.

but that is nothing unknown or "new"... to anyone, i would hope...

Same reason why I thought I would have kids a long time ago, cause I always thought as a younger person that a life without kids would be no life at all...

And i still feel that way.

Today, I feel especially bummed...

maybe it't the combination of the pain and the lonliness? I dunno ::shrugs::

whatever.

Sometimes I wonder if i was meant to be with a GUY at all, that maybe I should just stick with girls...

but anyways... now i am just rambling...

le sigh...

***

what an icky day. It is BEAUTIFUL outside today (no stormy weather here at all today) and I don't want to go out... I could mayeb sit out on the porch but that's as far as I would probably go...

awe...

that thought is depressing. when i was younger, i would NEVER be indoors on a day like this... i'd be out playing or chasing butterflies...

now i don't want to get up out of bed

bummer.

I thought things would be different by the time i was this age...

but i keep gettiing dissapointed...



i wish i were here right now... but then again, even i were there, i'd probably be unable to truly enjoy it. Hell, i'd probably be in bed there too.

SIGH. whatever

i feel bad, might as well do bad things...