tatian

i get no love.

i should stop fucking caring...

and no, i am not talking about my SG peeps... just speaking generally...

SIGH...

whatever... sooner than later i will give up completely and perhaps then i will be missed...

maybe.

HA. i have no faith it seems sometimes... and then other times i feel like I could do anything if i just put my heart into it - but apparently THAT is just not true...

i am tired. tired. tired... tired of trying... tired of everything, really... i feel so drained, emotionally, physically, creatively...

wish i could damn well dissapear sometimes... and just not be here. whatever that means. take it how u want it. it makes no difference to me...

***

So Chris and I are essentially "over". he's moving out come saturday, which as hard as this whole thing is for both of us, is for the best... especially if he wants to have a remote chance to picking up the pieces of this relationship. Basically, it's over. But he's got ONE LAST chance to make things right... ONE LAST chance.

part of me hopes he can do it and the other part of me has no faith...

i love him so much it hurts... this relationship that we've had - the ups and downs, i regret nothing about it... but over all it hurts me...

It was ultimately my choice, but he agreed, that, in the end, if we have a chance at all of being together as "husband and wife" and all that jazz, we can not be togther now... should NOT be together now and agreed also that he needs to get his shit in order... i can not and will not marry him or even think about continuing this relationship unless things change...

so basically, it's all up to him... we'll see...

until then. i will be here, alone, proabably crying alot, but ultimately sans most of my drama...

it's for the best.

it's for the best...

I always believe that if love is meant to be, and u let it go completely, it will return to you...

being "free" will be good for me... but hard at the same time...

SIGH...

why cant things ever be simple?

***

whatever...

***

on a lighter note, GUESS WHO SAW NINE INCH NAILS in Dallas on Monday????? !!!! ???? !!!

O>>>> M>>>> G>>>> oh my god, oh my god - it was AMAZING... so amazing...

i HEART trent reznor SO SO SO much - that man is DAMN talented... he writes the lyrics for everry song and the music for EVERY instrument in every song - he is the TRU "one man band"

i admire him so much... his lyrics... his MUSIC in general, it just touches my soul... deep deep deep inside my soul...

I was glad to share that experience with Chris. wouldn't have wanted it any other way...

so yeah.... I LOVE YOU TRENT REZNOR. u totally rock! I will support you and your talent til the day i die. You are my favorite "band" - ever. HANDS down...

how i would LOVE to meet him in person.... *le sigh*

So yeah, Monday night was awesome - long, no sleep... but awesome none the less...

tuesday was the turning point for Chris and I and that day royally sucked... but it was coming, we both know. We were not going to last the rate we were going and we've both decided that this is for the best...

ONE LAST chance... ONE.

***

so yeah. my twin is in town, i'm sure i've mentioned that... but i have not been able to see her due to my hectic work schedule...

i love that job, but i HATE having to stand so remote for such a long period of time. Today I got certified in Hardware and Garden - it took all day and i learned a lot of new shit... I am hoping that my persistance will help get me into another area of the store faster... I hope I hope... standing for 8 hours just kills my legs/body... and the early hours are hard on this lil night owl... lol... but i love that orange apron!

***

anyways... i deleted that last set that i wanted to get rid of. Perhaps now I'll have a better chance of getting a front page set without so much "trash" in the way...

I'm obviously doing something wrong... but I am working hard to make things right.

I am not giving up yet, but i'd be lying if i didn't admitt that my spirit and love of sg is breaking...

::sobb::

everything is so damn broken.

broken. broken. broken.

SIGH. and i have to accept the fact that there is no cure, glue or pill that can make any of this better...

unfortunetly.

***

so... yep... i am "trudging" along. barely... tired... too many FUCKING panic attacks (just KILL ME NOW God, why don't u get it fucking over with?!) and way too many pills. I HATE depending on those to get me through the day... but, well, it's become a routine.

i wake up in the morning shaking... and by lunch time, I start to shake again, even more and the room spins and my vision goes...

i feel like i am dying.

dying inside... dying in general...

I am just so tired...

tire of being ignored, unloved... tired of being tired... tired of these panic attacks... tired of working... tired of everything... just everything...

i care too much and because of that, I am hurting even more..

there is no justice in this world. no justice.

***

THANK U SG... for all my friends on here - u are livesavers and i heart u. heart u all... pls don't let me go this is all i have.

i'm gonna go crawl under a rock, cry, and listen to some NIN...

(he palyed "twilight" for his last song at the concert - my favorite song on the new YEAR ZERO album... it made me cry...)

SIGH...