tatian

FULL MOON tonight! whooptie-do.

i am feeling terribly "BLAH" today...

I kinda wanna scream at the tops of my lungs to anyone who'll listen, to "fuck off"

but that would be kinda mean...

or maybe not.

anyhoo, i'm waiting for the 90 period to be up and gone on my pics. i think i'm gonna delete them all. so get what you can, they probably won't be around forever.

0 outta 8 and i just have to get over the fact that i probably wont ever have another front page set again.

::SIGH::

awe. the thought of that really sucks and kinda makes me want to cry...

today sucks. I think i'm gonna go burn a whole shit load of calories that i don't have... maybe when my body is begging me for energy and air, i will feel better.

HA

whatever.

EDIT: I sent Chris to get paint from the office today; figured HE'D have a better time carrying up 3 gallons of paint than i would and he got all bent outta shape cause i asked him to help me clean up the microwave (a lady was coming to possibly buy it)..

he is not thinking about that fact that I am giving up EVERYTHING i have worked for to go back to Austin, TX with him.

He counters me with "Well I left all my stuff when I moved out here, for you."

bullshit! his stuff is STORED at his mom's. Mine... MY STUFF is being sold - i will never get anything back. AND I am selling OUT...

Now I have no microwave, no clothes, no shoes... soon no bed... no this, no that. I don't think he really understands how hard this is.

I am sans medicine and have been ROYALLY battling my demonds (and many of them) "sober". I missed spring semester (!!!), I had no car for like a year and a day and have been stuck indoors for months now cause of it...

and now I have to sell everything i own and put up with his bitching that things are never good enough - he's says I am the one who always ruins days.

what? not fair. he told me that today and I didn't even do anything, let alone say more than 5 words to him... so what? should i just not talk to you at all?

things are SUCKY. I "FEEL" sucky! I FEEL SUCKY ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME.

NO THINGS ARE NOT GOOD RIGHT NOW. damnit. I am frustrated! and poor! and broken! And HEAVIN forbid that you do anything on your own!

We "shared" this apartment and it's up to me to change everything back and make sure everything is painted and fixed...

meanwhile I have to set up ten million ads to try and sell ALL MY SHIT - for pennies. So I can get us back to ATX with a little bit of money.

GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I'm going back to texas empty handed, with my car (assuming it makes it) and whatever clothes I can fit in it and on my back.

I am going back naked. And for nothing.

DON'T TELL ME THAT IS NOT "ENOUGH" to be upset about.

but it's "never enough"...

er. we are arguing all the time. I can't take this. Not only do i feel stuck in this dark hole, but I feel like I am trapped with a little growling animal; it never shuts up about anything - even the slightest move i make.... while it consumes me at night and takes bits and pieces of flesh here and there...

I am wounded and broken already. i have nothing left to give. any of you.

no money, no nothing.

I have no money to my name.

I am soon to have no belongings...

i have no "real" friends (aside from distant voices here on SG)...

***

hell, just today when I went to the gym to run, I almost turned back - like ten times cause the walls of the buildings started crawling up on me - I can't even walk outside without getting some kind of major attack - usually a panic attack... everything starts to move when your still... your heart races, the sunlight is tremendously brighter than normal, ppl talking sounds like ppl yelling; you feel like your "dying"... and you can't breathe.

EVERYDAY i leave to run ANY errands or anything. THIS is what I experience.

EVERY DAMN DAY. there is no "pause" for me. There is no "maybes" when it comes to having a panic attack.

the only "maybe" i got is whether or not I MIGHT be able to brace it and not run the car into the one next to me. Or better yet, off a bridge or something - since we have so many of those out here in the hellish swamps that is sac.

***

ugh. i hate everything.