tatian

i am having a hard time finding two reasons to keep going this morning.

that's it...

I slept on the futon again. The door is closed earlier and earlier every night... whatever. I am tired of arguing.

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in my own house. I HATE that. I want to be able to rumble around and be up as late as I want, doing whatever kind of off-the-wall manic shit that I feel necessary.

!!! - How long is this supposed to go on? Really? - It reminds of so many other relationships I see around me, and those are ended and over already...

Effort needs to made from both sides, and I feel like we're both caving in.

That, and i like to be alone - ALOT, too much, apparantly...

what can i say. I grew up in a small apartment, sharing a room with a twin sister who did everything to make my life hell, and then when I finally get out of all that shit... something else takes it's place and I can never really be alone and just BE ME.

fuck that. I am a computer geek and I like the things I like - to do - at 4 in the morning (!)

I feel bad, for feeling the way I feel - and the psychology major in me is screaming!!! - WTF are you doing?!?

I honestly think ED would dissapear if things were different.... but who really knows, maybe I'd slash my wrists for real if i were truly alone...

or maybe I'd be relieved and jump for joy...

i just dunno... not good, not good...

cant say one damn word without being ripped up...

he makes it seem like it's all me. that it's me, and my manic, crazy self... doing all the things that are fucking us up... oh, and the fact that I am bi.... hmmm.... well, I am bi. not TRI. I don't want a man involved if I am with a girl. THAT, is a big deal to ME.

Oh, and then.... ::sigh:: posting this will get me in lots of trouble, even tho no names were mentioned and really, none of you know anything that's really going on... if that makes any sense.

i'll get a note, or a txt msg... or a sultry look upon returning home.... about this or something else.

I dont wanna come home sometimes... and other times all i can think about is how much i just want him to grab me and tell me that everything is gonna be ok and that he loves me and that I am going to be fine...

i dont feel unconditional love... and that is what was promised.

i feel like i am a strange person in this relaationship. If i were alone, I'd be alone and I wouldn't be questioning NEARLY as much shit as I am now.

Maybe I am really more interested in girls, as a solo solo thing and this boy shit is just not working. Guys are scary. Girls are familiar and comfortable.

LOL... i am nuts.

but who ever said that is necessarily a super bad thing? - he will.

(And if you even BRING this shit up ONCE... just don't ok. no one knows who you are)


gir. I've plenty of opportunities to fuck other ppl. but i have not... because i love him. But does that mean that we are meant to be together forever?

i feel so restrained in this relationship. i dont think he wants ME, he wants the dream of me - he wants me, different than i am.

my body hurts worse today. maybe it is stress... maybe it's something serious. either way, it hurts, but i just dont care - i wouldn't have the money to fix the issue anyhow.

::sob::

i am miserable.