tathra

my mind is jarbled. pain. suffering. loss. i feel this in my future. from what, i know not, however i know it indeed awaits me. i try to focus, i feel the energy coursing through me, surging, pulsing, comforting, then nothing. a calm fills my soul; an uncomfortable calm. i try to focus, focus on what the future holds, alas nothing comes, just sadness, on the verge of tears. a chill runs through my body, up my spine, through my soul, and then is gone. the tears wont come, though i know they should. why should i be in tears? what is waiting for me that might cause me to feel this? why am i so lost? my soul is in shambles. i have no hope for the future; constantly i am reminded that my hand cannot guide this future, that i can do nothing but sit and watch as everything unfolds, powerless to alter anything, powerless to even save those close to me. perhaps this is why i always push people away; often i practically beg for people to hate me. do i hate myself that much? do i just have delusions of grandeur? why do i feel this? why is everything so painful, so... blank.

i dont want this to happen. i dont want to watch it again. powerless... i feel ruined. hopeless. alone. lost.

all i can do is wait until the feeling passes, and continue on living, hoping for the best, though i know perhaps its a waste to hope. the future is already determined, and there's nothing i can do to alter even my own fate...