It really is amazing how going out on a date with a REAL man can make you realize what a shithead you've been putting up with for so long.
I went out with a man named Richard last night. I met him on Valentine's Day at ClubSuicide, and really didn't think he would actually call, because guys so often say they will and then they don't. But he did and we went to dinner and then for drinks last night. It was so nice talking to and being with a man who listened when I talked, a man who told me that kissing me was just too fun to stop doing. And NOT ONE TIME did I think about Chris. Which is amazing, considering how heartbroken I've been over him.
Today when I woke up, I felt alive. I felt as I had when I was finally officially divorced. I felt, and still feel, liberated from him. I feel like finally I can start to move on and let go and walk away. I deleted his number from my phone, deleted his emails from my inbox and, when I get a new job, I will totally end his existence in my life. Why bother wasting my time and energy on a boy - yes, a BOY - who will never appreciate it? Why waste any energy on someone who doesn't even DESERVE it, let alone want it?
He will never be the man I need in my life. As good as he makes me feel, I am positive I can get that feeling from someone else (and really, I have started to, because even last night I felt it with Richard) without the bullshit.
If I could say something to Chris, I know exactly what it would be. If I thought he would care, if I thought he would learn something, I would say this to him:
"Chris, I will always remember the way you made me feel. I will always remember how I felt so good when you smiled at me. I will remember how it felt to see you and have my heart beat a little faster. I will remember how I couldn't wait to get each text, email, or IM from you. But the reason I will remember these things is because someday I will find someone who makes me experience all of those feelings; someone who I won't have to play games with, someone who will want me as I am, unconditionally. Someone who won't make me jump through hoops to get his attention for one single stupid moment. Someone who wants to be around me, and who knows that I am a phenomenal, beautiful woman. Someone who treats me the way you never could or would.
"But you know, I'm not bitter anymore. I'm not mad at you. I'm not depressed about what we might have been and never were. I'm not any of those things, Chris, because largely I have closed you out of my heart. But what little capacity I do have to feel for you is entirely consistent of pity. Pity and sorrow for you. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who is going to be alone. You are the one who will regret never taking the chance with me. Because long after I have moved on and fallen in love with someone like I described earlier, you will be alone and lonely and bitter. And when that day comes and you realize what you SHOULD have done, sorry won't work and you won't be able to use that smile or those texts to break my will. So I feel sorry for you, Chris. I wish you well, and I wish you luck, not because I care, but because you will need it the way you are going."
And now I wait these two long weeks until my next date with Ricky. But I will wait anxiously and nervously and happily, because I know the best is yet to come.
I went out with a man named Richard last night. I met him on Valentine's Day at ClubSuicide, and really didn't think he would actually call, because guys so often say they will and then they don't. But he did and we went to dinner and then for drinks last night. It was so nice talking to and being with a man who listened when I talked, a man who told me that kissing me was just too fun to stop doing. And NOT ONE TIME did I think about Chris. Which is amazing, considering how heartbroken I've been over him.
Today when I woke up, I felt alive. I felt as I had when I was finally officially divorced. I felt, and still feel, liberated from him. I feel like finally I can start to move on and let go and walk away. I deleted his number from my phone, deleted his emails from my inbox and, when I get a new job, I will totally end his existence in my life. Why bother wasting my time and energy on a boy - yes, a BOY - who will never appreciate it? Why waste any energy on someone who doesn't even DESERVE it, let alone want it?
He will never be the man I need in my life. As good as he makes me feel, I am positive I can get that feeling from someone else (and really, I have started to, because even last night I felt it with Richard) without the bullshit.
If I could say something to Chris, I know exactly what it would be. If I thought he would care, if I thought he would learn something, I would say this to him:
"Chris, I will always remember the way you made me feel. I will always remember how I felt so good when you smiled at me. I will remember how it felt to see you and have my heart beat a little faster. I will remember how I couldn't wait to get each text, email, or IM from you. But the reason I will remember these things is because someday I will find someone who makes me experience all of those feelings; someone who I won't have to play games with, someone who will want me as I am, unconditionally. Someone who won't make me jump through hoops to get his attention for one single stupid moment. Someone who wants to be around me, and who knows that I am a phenomenal, beautiful woman. Someone who treats me the way you never could or would.
"But you know, I'm not bitter anymore. I'm not mad at you. I'm not depressed about what we might have been and never were. I'm not any of those things, Chris, because largely I have closed you out of my heart. But what little capacity I do have to feel for you is entirely consistent of pity. Pity and sorrow for you. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who is going to be alone. You are the one who will regret never taking the chance with me. Because long after I have moved on and fallen in love with someone like I described earlier, you will be alone and lonely and bitter. And when that day comes and you realize what you SHOULD have done, sorry won't work and you won't be able to use that smile or those texts to break my will. So I feel sorry for you, Chris. I wish you well, and I wish you luck, not because I care, but because you will need it the way you are going."
And now I wait these two long weeks until my next date with Ricky. But I will wait anxiously and nervously and happily, because I know the best is yet to come.
johnnyu:
The cleansing has begun!!! As ritual cleasing goes on in the Ganges, it sounds like u have begun the spiritual cleansing that will enabl you to move on with confidence to the best that is yet to come! I'm proud of ya!
theaceface:
Good for you.